Amber's Journey

Blessed beyond my dreams

2010-05-04T09:11:00.000-07:00

My life these days are full of emotions. Some days I am so low so sad and filled with fear of my cancer returning. However most days my emotions are one of joy and gratitude for the life I am living. This is how I feel today, I am overwhelmed with joy almost to the point that I could sob from deep within my soul... but I am sitting in a public coffee shop so I am holding back to not scare the local patrons.

What a year it has been, last year at this time I was recovering from my bilateral mastectomy. I had four drain tubes coming out of my body and bandages covering my entire chest. My hair was a tangled mess and I could barley take care of myself.

Last year at this time was all the festivities of Mothers Day. With four kids this is a very special time with many activities in their classes. I am trying really hard to remember if I attended my daughters school tea for Mothers Day. But I think my mother or mother in law went in my place. I did make it to my first graders at the time, barely making it on time because I could hardly walk from the car to the classroom. I stumbled in dripping of sweat and feeling heavy with my drains coming out of my body hidden with a bigger shirt. But I made it...

Today is my daughters mothers day tea and today I will be there, feeling alive, healthy and beautiful. I feel utterly amazing and awake...awake to this world, alive with joy and grateful to be here healthy. What a difference a year makes.

I reached a milestone this past weekend, we cut the ribbon of our new school building! It has been an on going project since 2007 and on Saturday my staff and hubby and I cut the ribbon in front of 150 friends and family! I feel truly FREE!!! We did it, this huge project looks amazing.

In 2006 a small seed was planted... an idea to turn our old workshop into a little red school house. With lots of hard work, tears, stress and hours and hours of sacrifice and commitment we did it, it truly is a little red school house!

Do you have a dream? Do you have an idea a tiny seed of an idea? Do you know that the only thing holding you back is you? There is no time in this lifetime to wait on dreams, to postpone our goals. The statement, "There is no better time then the present" is absolutely true!

A few months ago in a simple conversation over lunch a small seed was planted in my heart as well as my husbands about a non profit idea. A tiny seed was planted in us... but we were and are open to ideas, we are awake to see what this world has to offer us. I am so excited and ready to see where this seed takes us... it already is growing into something pretty amazing. So today I feel FREE... free to move on to this non-profit idea ready to be servants in this world ready to take our blessings to others.

Today I am emotionally charged and vibrant. The past few months have proven to me that Source, God, the Universe has so many great things to offer. But we have to be present each day, in each moment or we may miss these opportunities given to us. I have been blown away by all that has happened since my last surgery in November. Things I never imagined. Yes many things were challenging, stressful and flat out hard but today I sit back and reap the rewards and am thrilled to see how all of this hard work unfolds and how I can be used for good and to help others.

What will I say next year at this time? Where will I be next year at this time? Yes I still fear that I may have cancer but at the same time, if that is so I will rise above and be gracious I will still be grateful for my life and all that I have accomplished. So maybe in this I am learning not to fear it anymore... what does fear accomplish? If cancer is coming back it is coming back? If it is not it is not? There truly is nothing I can do but live my life today....

"D" Day One Year Anniversay

2010-03-10T20:03:00.000-08:00

I thought about what I would write when this day came many times over the past year. I wondered what emotions would come as I celebrate my one year anniversary of being told the life changing information that sunny March 11th day. Tomorrow is the day, the one year anniversary of "D" day.

That simple phone call changed my life, it gave me relief in some ways to know I was not going crazy that something truly was wrong. That phone call also came with a burden, a life long burden that I will forever carry with me. My safety net in this world we call life was taken away from me that day. Yes we will all die one day, in fact we are all on the road to death, to the other side each and every day. However with a cancer diagnosis, the unknowns begin to intertwine themselves in our daily lives. The unknowns of where the cancer may spread next, the unknowns of if a recurrence is lurking around the corner. That is what I hate most about my diagnosis, what I hate most about how cancer has changed me. I hate that cancer took away my safety net, my security blanket if you will... I will never truly trust my doctors and I will never truly feel at ease with my health. That is what cancer took from me this past year.

But with all of that said, here is what cancer gave to me this year....

*Cancer gave me a fresh start to become a better person
*Cancer gave me an inner strength I always hoped I had
*Cancer gave me freedom, a chance to forget about material things and learn to care about what truly matters in this life, family, friends, and our health
*Cancer gave me supporters... I had cheerleaders everywhere, in my community, friends, family and even strangers, encouraging me and letting me know I was loved.
*Cancer gave me awareness...I am aware of how devastating cancer truly is to those it is affected by.
*Cancer gave me new challenges... surgeries,pain, recovery, no breasts, reconstruction, pain, dark moments and happy moments
*Cancer gave me a new found beauty to be who I am always... scars and all
*Cancer gave me new vision, new business ventures
*Cancer stripped me of my fears, of my deepest darkest fears.. death and dying and in return it gave me an incredible peace
*Cancer gave me the missing element of my novel that I have been working on since 2007... go figure
*Cancer gave me a stronger marriage... I no longer have to ask my man if he loves me today... for I know he loves me every moment of every day... when he held my hand so lovingly, so tightly as the bandages came off.. .it was in that moment I recognized those vowels we spoke to each other on our wedding day... in sickness and in health
*Cancer gave me hope... hope in myself, to move forward even after part of me had been stripped away...
*Cancer gave me a new found love for others.. for those hurting around me.
*Cancer gave me inspiration.. to be better each day.. to reach for my goals, not tomorrow not years down the road but this very day.

Thank you all who have loved me, who have cried with me, who have allowed me to break down when I needed to and laughed when I needed a laugh. Thank you to those who fed my family when I could not, who smiled at me when I had no smile to give back.

We are all stronger than we think... sometimes we fall flat on our face, we fail, we face times in our life where we see no light at the end of the tunnel. But trust me, a day will come when there is a soft light at the end of the tunnel. A day does come that we start to pick ourselves off the ground and decide to start moving forward with our life, no matter how hard it might be.

We all have purpose in this life... we all have to go through trials to become better people, embrace the trials.. cry when you need to cry, fall down when you need to fall down... but stand up and move forward when the time comes. Embrace failures and trust yourself to become better.

In the end.. we are all human, we are all on the road to the other side. Live life each day, don't fret of what is to come...

Tomorrow I will celebrate my cancer journey... I will celebrate that I made it... that no matter what is to come I will choose to be happy, I will choose to make a difference in my life and I will choose to move forward with my goals and dreams!

My big project over the past two months!

2010-02-24T19:33:00.000-08:00

Letting Go Of Fear Is Hard

2010-02-22T21:26:00.000-08:00

I have not been on here in awhile. I have been swamped and honestly stressed out of my mind. My last surgery was November 30th, 2009. Two days later I was working on a state application to open my new center in the Bay Area.

So began the crazy journey of opening up a school in eight weeks. The past two months have been a whirlwind to say the least. I began to stress and let things get the best of me. When I moved forward with this new school my goal was to not let stress get to me. It is a crazy cycle really. I know or at least I think that stress may have been a huge part of my cancer in the first place, so I am always trying not to be stressed. But then I find myself stressing because I am stressed. Make sense? Not really.

Two weeks ago my body gave out on me. I was so emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausted. My mind was in a battle that my body could not win. My mind understood that this crazy time would pass. My mind understood that I was grateful for this opportunity, grateful for a job. My mind understood that I should "Let Go and Let God" but my body reacted much differently. By blogging almost a year ago, I did so to be honest with the good and the bad.

This past two weeks have been bad. My body has been so ill with worry. I let the stress of the start of the new business get to me, I overworked myself and lost 10lbs in the end. (may be good, depending on how you look at it ;)

Finally last week I shut it all off, I had to step away from being a CEO, from being a teacher. I had to shut everyone out. I was in a war with my mind, and the negative fearful side was winning.

As I shut everyone out I have been controlling my fear and each day letting go once again. I am realizing that I am in the limbo stage of this cancer thing. My treatments are officially over, I am cancer free. But inside I live with the ever growing fear that my doctors missed something. I live with a constant nagging that cancer is still in me and that I am still dying. That is honesty, that is my mind struggle for the past two months. Maybe expanding my business right now was not the best idea, or maybe it was. It was and is a success so I have to stand firm that it was meant to be.

What is not meant to be is me living in constant fear. Fear that I am stressed, fear that my stress is growing new cancer cells. Fear that I will fail in my business. Fear can kill a person. Fear can eat a person alive. This is how I have been feeling, like my body is eating itself alive.

So I shut my staff out, I have left people hanging. I have been trying to swim, and have been sinking further and further under the water. By shutting people out I am beginning to swim again, beginning to find my way out of the water.

I have not dealt with my cancer fully. I have not dealt yet with being done with treatment and wondering what now. My one year diagnosis day is sneaking up, so cancer has consumed my mind. I will be honest and admit I need help... I need the tools to let cancer go. I no longer want to be identified as cancer. I no longer want to live in constant fear that the doctors missed something and that I am actually dying. I want to live my life, I want to adopt if that is in the cards, I want to finish my novel and I want to open another school (down the road, no way in hell right now ;)

I want to not feel sick every time I eat, or nervous when the phone rings thinking it is bad news. I want to live in the moment once again, I want to not only know how grateful I am but believe it too.

After spending the day in my sweats, not answering any phones or emails I can feel myself coming out of the darkness that overtook me for the past few weeks. I cleaned my house, organized pantries and started to claim my house once again. Today I realized that I had not really cleaned or organized my house since before my diagnosis. This past year has been just crazy to say the least.

This week I am looking forward to relaxing, thinking, meditating, talking and allowing myself to cry when I need too, laugh when I need too and just be me... Amber.

Sorry to those I have shut out, but in realty I know that to be my best I need time away. Leaving a cancer diagnosis behind is a hard thing, walking forward after treatment may be harder than the diagnosis itself. Learning to trust your medical team is difficult especially after they missed your symptoms for so long in the first place.

Moving forward is hard, two steps forward and one step backwards. Overall I have done well, or at least I think. So today I admit I took one very GIANT step backwards on the past few weeks. But I am looking forward to taking two steps forward in the next week.

2010 In Motion

2010-01-13T19:17:00.000-08:00

Wow, we are only two weeks into the new year and so much is happening!!! First off great news about my car. I was just told yesterday that they are going to fix it.. .all 17k worth of damage! That is awesome news as that car was just perfect for me and the kids!

Where has two weeks gone? Let's see, this year is well under way with many exciting things upon us. Last year at this time, I just began my journey as an advocate for myself in the medical world. I was beginning my search for why I had a hard mass and a lump in my right breast. I began last year thinking " I think something is not right " wondering if it was possible if I had cancer.

This new year begins with watching my dream school almost reach completion. With contractors, my husband, father in law, brother in law all working on the building it is getting closer to being finished every day. I picked out paint colors and cabinets today. I know I am reaching the end when now it is time to begin to decorate the inside.

This year has also set in motion a surprise project, opening a new center in the bay area. That center is already well on its way to full capacity, at we are not even open yet! There is staffing, training, students to register and shopping of all new equipment.

Already this year I am SWAMPED!!! I am in full force opening two large centers all within weeks apart. Each day I say "Thank You" I am so grateful to be in this position, I am healthy, I am energetic and I am ready to continue to be a risk taker.

I am also humbled... as stressful and overwhelming these projects are I am truly humbled to be right in the center of them. I feel honored to be doing all that I am doing. In the midst of each day, I acknowledge that I do not know what tomorrow holds, so today I am keeping busy and making my dreams come true.

I have also been taking the time to work on my novel. It has been a very emotional experience, to bring it to life in my head. My story has so much more meaning now, then when I started in 2007. It has also been amazing to sit at my computer and have it flow right out of me. I think I am getting close to give someone a sneak peek at a few chapters. At this time I have no idea what I will do with it when I am done. Possibly get it published or possibly it may just be for me, a finished book... one of my many dreams accomplished.

This is already an overwhelming year... not like last year an overwhelming year of unknown outcomes, surgeries, sadness and grief. This year is already beginning with an overwhelming sense of accomplishment, for what already has been, for what is to come and new goals already set in motion.

Some may think I am crazy with all that I want to do... but if I am honest with you and with myself then I have to admit that in my head I hear the clock... it ticks softly, but constantly. This clock ticks quietly but is always present in my daily chores. The clock represents cancer.... it represents my time here on earth, it represents the unknown with my health.

So as I hear the clock quietly ticking on... constantly I move even quicker to accomplish all of my dreams, goals for my life... before it is too late.

Quite possibly we should all live this way really... all of us have a quiet ticking of a clock in our heads. For all of us, it will go off one day, and our time will be up. What have you done to show for your life? Are you happy with your outcomes so far? Are you dreaming for more?

Let me share my motto with you this year... I randomly found this saying online one night as I was board and surfing the web. The next morning I shared this awesome saying with a dear friend... only a few minutes later this friend got a sneak preview of a gift I was given by another friend... guess what... the gift was a computer bag with this very exact saying I had found the night before... this is my life... this is how I live, I challenge you to live this way as well.... you may be pleasantly surprised to find yourself doing the impossible!

"Dream it, Wish It, Do It"

A New Journey In 2010!!

2010-01-05T21:50:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year to all! I am not sure if there was any other year that I looked forward to, then this one. I was more than happy to say goodbye to 2009! I will share one last thing about 2009 and then I will move on, to better and brighter things! Just 4 days away from the new year, the kids and I got into an accident!!! It was partly my fault..well really mostly my fault :( I did not realize what had happened... I was so shocked. As the light turned green and I went, the car in front of me slammed on his breaks out of no where and came to a stop... it was so fast just seconds really and all I remember is feeling the impact and crashing into the air bags. Sadly to end the year off... my car will most likely be totaled :( but all in all... my kids and I were all fine!!!

Ok.. enough of that goodbye 2009!!!

I began this blog to document my journey in cancer world. Now that I am pronounced "Cured" don't you love that??? I didn't know there was a cure for cancer ;) I am in search of new ways to use this blog. I begin this year wide open and ready for new possibilities!

I realized last week, that for the first time in a VERY long time I was no longer in pain. Before my diagnosis, well before maybe a year and a half before I was in pain every day. I had no idea it was because I had one large mass and two tumors in my breast, I just knew I was in pain.

Then came the surgeries and the expansion... and yikes more pain. But today as I was finishing up my yoga, I realized again how grateful I am to no longer be in pain every day.

This is the year of new beginnings... I welcome 2010 with wide open arms and will continue to learn to live in the moment.

Already there is so many wonderful things happening... my business is flourishing! I am opening a new center in the Bay Area on February 1st. Creating more jobs in the troublesome economy. My dream schoolhouse in Sacramento, will be finished in April, and again creating more jobs!

Then there is new goals that I am setting, new dreams that I am allowing myself to dream! I am hoping to not stop at the two schools but to open two more within the next two years!

This is the year of action... this is the year of payoff. For the past two years my husband and I have been working so hard on our future, making our dreams come true. I am reaching my hand out and can practically touch these dreams.. because they are almost alive and well and finally here!

2010 will be a year of completion of goals... first the new school in Loomis, this was a goal over two years ago. It will be completed in a matter of months.

Next is my novel... it began in 2007... this is the year I will take my characters all the way, from A-Z...

This is the year, that I will take on less of my company and more of my kids! I will be available more.. no more surgeries and no more juggling so many balls in the air!

This is going to be a wonderful year! I am saying these things aloud because I believe if you speak it, it will be!

Dream big this year... this may be my new journey, to help you find your dreams and accomplish them.

Do you have dreams or goals that you are putting off for a better time? You are too busy with work or kids? What are you waiting for???

I was reminded yet again that we never know what tomorrow holds... I did not plan to crash my car last week and have it totaled... but life happens!

Life is not a dress rehearsal.. so we need to live as though it is our final performance each day.

Friends thank you for following my blog, thank you for the support through 2009! This is my year to support you.. to encourage you to be who you truly want to be!

The sky truly is the limit!!!!

2009 in Review

2009-12-26T21:31:00.000-08:00

I thought I better sit down for a minute and clear my head. Today I woke with so many emotions. First I am still surprised that today truly is Christmas morning. Where does the time go? This past year has been a remarkable year for me. A year I never expected, possibly guessed from time to time but never fully imagined would ever happen. This past year, I found myself in dark places in my head, I found myself facing my deepest fears and coming to peace with those fears. This past year I learned how to rely on others to help me in my weakest moments. 2009, taught me to let go of my past, to stop looking back on regrets but to only look forward to my future. This past year I was diagnosed with Cancer. "The biopsy was positive for cancer" Those words alone are any persons worst fears. It is the unknown that comes with a cancer diagnosis that brings fear to anyone. This past year I have become an expert on Breast cancer. Now a year ago today, I was only pondering the thoughts "I wonder if I have cancer?" those thoughts would come and go many times throughout 2008. It was not until last Christmas, a year ago that I knew I needed some answers. I also came to the realization that if cancer was all over my body I would blame myself for not taking care of myself, by not being my own advocate. So a year ago I decided to keep pursing doctor apts, until I knew for sure... what was truly wrong with me.It was not until March when I finally knew for sure. When I finally got told, I was scared of course, but at the same time I felt so relieved to finally know what was wrong. This past year has taught me many things... I see 2008 as a year of preparation for 2009. Little did I know that things I was learning, where I was heading spiritually was all in preparation for 2009. This past year was, painful, terrifying, dark, hopeful, and amazing all in one. This year I learned how to let go... I let go of my life as I knew it... the old Amber... faded somewhere along the way, and a new after cancer Amber began to blossom. I am so grateful for this past year, I am grateful for the pain, for the darkest moments laying in my bed alone facing my worst fears, I am grateful for family and friends who have supported not only me but my entire family. I am grateful for it all, because in it all I have found peace, love and harmony. I have learned to be still and really focus on being in the moment. As we close out 2009, my life, my families life is so hopeful! There is so much to be thankful for, this past year as taught us all so much. I am so thankful for what is to come, 2010 will be an extraordinary year, I can feel it and I believe it. I have learned that speaking aloud what you want in your life is a powerful and very true concept! So I say it aloud... 2010 will be amazing, blessings will fall down all around us, dreams will become reality and in them new dreams will form. I am alive, I am healthy and I am blessed beyond words! I no longer look backwards, but only forward because I plan to only move forward each day.What do you want out of 2010??? "Dream it, Wish it, Do it"This has been the year that has changed me to the core, it has enhanced my love for life and it has created a deep desire to do it all.... to dream big, to make them come true and live in this moment!

Allowing Myself to Experience Good Things

2009-12-14T21:13:00.000-08:00

This past week was a week I will remember in my life's journey. Do you ever have a day or a moment that you realized something deep about yourself or life? This past week was one of those weeks for me. Some may call it PMS, some may call it being an emotional gift, but I will call it living in the moment. Being open to listening and learning, evaluating deep down within.

When you live in the moment, you do not miss opportunities, when you live in the moment you allow yourself to acknowledge fears and recognize short comings. When you live in the moment you can see the universe showing you the next steps, guiding you with a subtle pulling in one direction or another. When you live in the moment you stop and breath, you let go and remind yourself that this very moment is all that we are promised.

This was my week to remind myself of a few things. Let me back up a bit... let's say rewind to four weeks ago.

A great opportunity fell into my lap. An opportunity to open up my school in a new location back in the Bay Area where we originally opened up. Everything seems to have been falling into place, however last week I began to freeze up... could I do this? I began to question all the good things around me. If I back up farther, let's say a few years back then I have to realize that my life has been hard over the past few years. There have been many dark days, many trials and many tears.

The past few years I have been in crisis mode, trying to survive day to day. Over the past month I have realized that I am no longer in crisis mode, the dark clouds have gone away and all I can see is bring blue sky ahead. I can hear the birds singing and I can feel the load becoming lighter.

As my world begins to be full of light and goodness, last week I was reminded that so many lives around me are still dark... people are loosing homes, people are dying, jobs are being lost. I feel others pain so deep now. I cry when they cry, I am sad when they are sad. I know what it is like to feel as though you are drowning daily... not knowing if tomorrow that last wave will truly keep you under forever.

But now... my life is shifting... I can feel it, I can see the light, the light is brighter than I have seen in a very long time.

I had my last surgery two weeks ago, my cancer is gone and it is now time to just follow up. My treatment is officially over. They have done what they can and as far as I know I am cancer free. Now I know that with cancer I will truly never be done, but I feel as though I have a very good chance of being cancer free in 2010!

My business is going well and I am expanding and I am watching a dream of mine become reality every day.

I have another school I am working hard on opening, something I did not plan but all in all I feel pretty good about actually I feel very good about it.

My kids are healthy, they are all doing well in school and in life. My marriage is amazing, stronger than ever before. I feel more loved and adored each passing day. Cancer has only strengthened us and renewed our love for one another.

Last week I realized that I was beginning to stress, not because my life was so terrible or as though I was still in crisis mode. I began to stress because my life has turned a corner... the dark clouds were gone and good things were all around me in this moment and in the near future.

I realized that I was scared to allow it to happen... I wasn't sure if I could handle all of this goodness! Silly isn't it?? It was such a revelation to me, as I sat on my couch one night last week starring into a red orange fire in my living room. Being in that very moment revealed to me fear inside of me, fear of the show that was about to start... this show being my life!

I feel as though I have been given a second chance, or forgiveness really. I made it through to the other side. Through all of the pain, guilt, shame, hurt, anger all of the emotions over the years I made it through.... I am alive and I am well. Why would I ever allow fear into this???

We are what we speak.... I believe in truly living in each moment. I am so full of gratitude tonight and I am also humble. I am running at full speed with my arms open wide ready to catch all of the goodness that I am blessed with. I am ready to accept it, to do good with it and to not fail at it!

I am honored and I am excited about my future. I still hurt for others, cancer has made me more sensitive to others pain. I am here for those of you who hurt, for those of you who need me to listen.

Tonight I am allowing myself to be blessed, I am allowing good things to happen and I am allowing myself to be happy and content. I have so much to live for now...why would I waste a second of my life in worry or fear??

Live in this moment, this very second and you may possibly be changed forever in a very good way because you did not miss a very special opportunity!

Speaking My Mind....

2009-11-08T20:01:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was in the car for a few hours. When I am in the car for a long period of time, I usually get lost in thought. I take a look at my behavior, things of the week and how I played a role in the world around me.

In my thoughts and evaluations of myself I had a self realization about my found voice. I have noticed that my thoughts quickly escape my brain and flow through my voice faster than ever before. I was never quite the person to speak an opinion that may be controversial to a crowd that may not want to hear it. But over the past week two instances come to mind.

As I drove yesterday I asked myself was it the cancer that has made me bolder, or am I a downer more now, or am I judging others so quickly. Maybe having cancer has changed some of my perspectives, maybe I do see the glass not so full sometimes because I have become more of a realist, and maybe I do judge others and their actions harsher now.

So yesterday I asked myself why am I speaking my mind more freely, and is this ok or am I judging others too quickly.

Here is what I came up with...

Cancer happened, cancer has changed some of my perspectives. I do not take anything for granted. I am bolder now, because I want my voice to be heard. I have experienced many spiritual and amazing things over the year. I am no longer stuck in the box of my past, the thinking I once had and the destination I thought I was headed. I may be a downer a bit more, however I do want to change this realization... I am a realist like never before. On one hand I am a dreamer, or possibly dreamed more and bigger before cancer. Now I need to find a happy medium. Lastly I have been harsh possibly, and judging others actions. In this I need to let go, I do not want to judge others and be on the throne of righteousness, that for all of us is so easy to hop on.

So I am searching for my voice, I want to be heard and I feel liberated by speaking my mind. However, I also know that people believe what they want to believe, do what they want to do, put others at risk at times, and think in their small bubble. This will always be... cancer will never change these things.

So as I find my new voice, I am also looking for hope in my voice, and less judging of others. I had cancer, I may get cancer again, I am changed forever. These things are true, these are who I am now. I see the world differently and it is ok, just as it is ok for others to see the world how they see it.

Will I continue to speak my mind... HELL yes! There is lessons in all of us, and if we remain quiet how will we learn anything.

p.s.

On this drive I also decided to surprise my kids by taking them Disneyland for two days. They have no idea, I booked a hotel and have their bags packed. Tomorrow I pack them up and will let them know our destination.... well sometime before we get there! On my drive I also realized that now is the time... now is the time to say I love you, now is the time to hug your child, now is the time to surprise your kids when they are off of school... because now is all we have!

Reflective Moods

2009-11-01T18:34:00.000-08:00

For the past two weeks I have been in a reflective mood. Not sure why, not sure where it will take me but what I do know is that cancer is on my brain.

I look back at the past three months and think where in the hell did that time go? I am realizing that the way I lived my life over the past three months is the way I lived my life before cancer.

I was overbooking myself, putting on huge events, volunteering, working, cleaning and well, basically running non-stop. I am so grateful that I am well enough to overbook myself, can put on huge events,work,clean,volunteer etc, but do I want these things?

I run a business, and this business or this baby of mine is expanding. So many wonderful things are happening with my school. I am truly excited but I have also realized that nothing is more important to me then my health. If I don't have my health, then I cannot be a good wife or mom.

So this week I have been reflecting and remembering cancer. I have examined my scars this week extra long, I am felt my scabbed up drain holes, looked a little longer at my lymph biopsy site scar. I have told myself to slow down, to be in the moment and to not let my body feel any stress.

I will never know why I got cancer, I may guess at times as to what I think it was that did not allow my immune system to fight off the cancer cells. I keep going back to stress. I will never know for sure, but stress is my gut guess.

So I may not know my future, I may not know if I will get this damn disease again. I do not know if a year from now I may be on chemo, we do not know our future. All I know is that I must slow down, I must "Breathe, Let Go. and remind myself that this very moment is all that I am promised."

Will I ever not fear that the cancer will be back? Will I ever shake this deep inner feeling that it will be back? Will I ever be able to not hear a quiet ticking of a clock in the back of my mind constantly reminding me of time ticking away. Will I ever stop second guessing myself of choices and dreams I may have, wondering if they are even possible because I wonder if I will even be around in five years? These are my reflections every day... these are my secret and honest thoughts.

Today I reflect and decide to change a bit of my future, to change some plans and to allow myself to take less responsibilities. Today I am letting go of some of my duties, to be a better women, to be a better wife and mother. Today I am letting go of any stress that I feel, because when I feel the stress come on, it as though I feel the cancer cells appearing in my body.

Reflecting is a wonderful thing.... what have you reflected on today?

Exchange Surgery Date Set

2009-10-26T20:08:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day, I finally booked my next surgery. You would be surprised to know how joyful and giddy I was to get a date scheduled for my new foobs! November 30th I will once again head into the operating room. This time I hope for a speedy recovery and some squishy girls rather than these rocks I have now.

So I was M.I.A. for three months, as the dust has settled and life slows down again I am back checking on my fellow blogger I have met over the past few months. One in particular was on my heart last night as I was writing.

I found this mom by accident, I am not sure how I came across her blog but I happened to find her as she just signed up for hospice care. Hospice care, the beginning of the end. I was immediately drawn into her world, looking at her beautiful photos of all of her kids, looking how beautiful she was before the cancer got her. Then finding her more beautiful after reading her journey.

I commented on her blog, telling her simply that I find her brave and amazing. She was facing death head on and finding peace in her soon to be departure. We not only had a bond of breast cancer but we both are called Amber.

A few days later I saw that she had posted on my own blog. Her words moved me to tears, because I thought why would she waist any precious moments writing me. She was near the end, and she chose to take a minute to encourage me? I am the lucky one, I am still here, I am as of this moment cancer free. The tears began to flow, and Amber has always been in the back of my mind.

I realized on my "me-cation" that I needed to take a break from the cancer world that I had created or that in reality found me. I needed this break to heal and to learn how to stop looking behind me but to look forward with anticipation of greatness.

However over the past two weeks I feel my cancer world calling me back. Not to dwell on the sadness, and it is sad overwhelmingly sad. But to support you all going through this terrible cancer now. To never forget what cancer is and what cancer does. Your stories, your blogs touch my life. I could never just walk away from all that I have learned, but all of your experiences.

I have sort of a uniform now, I wear two bracelet's daily. One is a metal bracelet with an inscription written on it. "What cancer cannot do, -steal eternal life-kill friendship-conquer the spirit-suppress memories-cripple love-corrode faith-destroy peace-invade the soul-silence courage."

Another is a soft pink colored bracelet. These two items remind me daily of my journey and of others journeys.

So tonight, I am thinking of you Amber.... I was so sad to find you had past a couple of weeks ago. You have found peace, now I will think of your kids and your husband may they find peace and comfort knowing that you are no longer in pain. But I am so sorry.... I am so, so sorry to find you are gone.... thank you for reaching out to me and encouraging me! Tonight I remember you...

Wow it has been a VERY long time!!!

2009-10-25T21:44:00.000-07:00

I am realizing it has been almost three months since I posted. Wow where did the time go???? I think what happened was that I pushed the "resume" button on my life and well... you get the picture.

I wanted to give a quick update, well if you have followed my writing it may not be too quick. This past week I officially finished my fills!! I got my last fill and am feeling pretty good. I believe I am expanding to an official size "C" cup, however I no longer own a bra so I couldn't tell you for sure! One of the perks if I have to say there are any perks to a double mastectomy and reconstruction is that you no longer need a bra!

I went back to work in August, as a director and a teacher once again. Let me tell you it felt good to get my classroom ready and to be in a classroom every day. I am also on full time mom duty again, volunteering in their classes and making lunches every day.

I also went back to school in August as well, so I am a college student once again. I have to say this has been the hardest for me. Before cancer I set a goal to become a psychologist but after cancer I lost my drive to be in school completely. But I am still going... maybe one day I will find my drive for school again, but if not I have taken the pressure off of getting straight A's. I no longer have a desire to spend 20 hours on school work each week when I can spend that time with my family. So I am in school, passing each course.... and taking the pressure off feels great.

In September the family and I went to Disneyland the happiest place on earth. We had a fantastic time and a much needed family vacation.

I have also noticed my house is no longer perfect all of the time. A new subtle change cancer has brought me. I realized before cancer I was always cleaning the house... we have a pretty big house so if you didn't clean a little each day... well it became bad all of the time. While laying in bed after surgery I realized I was hearing my kids tell me "Mom you are always cleaning" So I made myself a promise that my life didn't have to be perfect anymore. So I am proud to say that my house is no longer perfect... I lay on the couch more snuggled with a book with my kids, or playing games at night with my oldest.

I have always instilled date nights with my boys. Once a month they each get a night with me, we go for a special treat and spend some fun time together. This has been a wonderful time, and I look forward to this time until they leave my house when they are adults!!!

Some big news is that Smart Start my school is finished on the outside. It has been so exciting to see my drawing come to life! We are enrolling already for next year, my staff is hired and I am beginning to dream again looking already to next year!

It has been 3 months since my trip to Carmel and I have to say that was a life changing trip. I really did it... I really left my "shit' behind.... and I feel like a new women. I live for today and am looking ahead daily no more looking behind my shoulders.

Well I think that is it for now... I am still here but I have officially pressed "resume" I am a wife, mother of four kids, director, teacher, student, volunteer and friend so my life is full!!!

I am so grateful for each day, each day is a gift and I don't take this lightly. I am grateful for my family and my friends.

My "Me-Cation" Journey

2009-10-25T21:10:00.000-07:00

It was a needed vacation, a solo trip that I felt I needed to do. I packed a small bag, booked a small room at a bed and breakfast and got in my car and head to the ocean. The ocean is a powerful place, the air is salty and fresh, the sounds of the waves are a quiet hushing sound.

This was the trip I needed, this would end up being a quiet trip. I was alone, so I did not talk much.

As soon as I dropped my kids off at the grandparents I felt the strong emotions overcome me. Like the ocean itself, powerfully strong, wet and cold were my tears as they spilled onto my face. I couldn't help it...the weeks leading up to my departure I was angry, sad and downright bitter for what had happened. I also felt an overwhelming guilt for not having more "Cancer" for not having to go through chemo or radiation.

So this trip was perfect. It has been months since I have written..so let me catch you up.

I left early in the morning, and I believe I cried the entire three hour drive. The emotions were so raw and I wasn't even sure where they were coming from. But I realized that the destination I was heading too was not only going to be a time of rest, (mom of 4 kids always needs rest ) but a time of spiritual and emotional healing. The tears were preparing me for what was to come in those few days away.

I was ready, I was ready to not believe that Karma had it out for me because of past mistakes. I was ready to stop looking backwards to certain pains and challenges over the years. I was determined to come head to head with my fears, anger and frustrations. So I was driving to Carmel, by myself to come face to face with all of my baggage.

As I drove through downtown, my windows were open, and the air spelled wonderfully salty. I checked in and through my stuff down on the bed and headed out to explore the beach.

I was pleasantly surprised that the beach was in fact around the corner from my hotel. You never know, marketing can always spin things a certain way.

I grabbed a hat and my camera and began to walk... not knowing where exactly my walk would take me both physically and mentally. There it was the deep blue ocean, the waves crashing in. My hair began to frizz a bit from the misty air, but hair I was lucky to have.

I quickly took my flip flops off and rolled my jeans up to my knees... there was no way I was not getting into the ocean. So thus began my journey on my "Me-Cation" as I put my bare foot into the icy cold ocean so began the journey to healing.

I was thankful for my hat and my sunglasses because I spent most of my time walking and crying. At one point I stood in the wet sand, I would mess up the sand with my toes, then stood still gripping the sand with my toes as the water washed up over my feet. When the water went back into the ocean my messed up sand was smooth and perfect once again.

Soon I began to write messages to myself in the sand. "Letting Go" "Joy" "No More Cancer" "Dream Big" this was such a spiritual moment for me... I would quickly write the message and then grip the sand as the water would erase each message.

Just like our life, the beauty of life is that we can wash away the old and start anew. I let it go that day, I realized I had to let go of some baggage I had been carrying for years... I had to let it go to gain peace and most importantly for my health, emotionally and mentally. My body could no longer take the beatings I would give it with guilt.

Guilt and stress already took my breasts... stress is something I believe plays a vital role in cancer. This "Me-Cation" gave me an important gift, it gave me a new start and a place to dump my baggage once and for all. So on that beach, I left a lot of my "shit" pardon my french.

I decided to not look back anymore, I decided to not blame Karma anymore but to only look forward. We can not change our pasts no matter how badly we want to. We can only create our future.

I spent one whole day writing, working on my book and another day scrapping. But most importantly I let go of the past and vowed to myself to stop looking backwards and only look forward!

I also allowed myself to start dreaming again... I realized cancer stole my dreams and my ability to look forward years down the road. As much as it is good to be in the moment it is also feeling great again to dream past today, to set goals again.

My "Me-Cation" Carmel by the Sea Aug. 2009

2009-10-25T21:06:00.000-07:00

Is Karma True?

2009-07-23T22:14:00.000-07:00

We have all heard "Karma's a bitch" at some point in our lives. This line has been in my mind for days or in reality a few weeks. As I heal from surgery still, deal with breathing issues and just a constant feeling of uncomfortableness. I think back over my life and wonder quietly, was this deserved. I am no perfect girl, bar far. I have made some huge mistakes, created havoc at times and caused pain not only to myself but others as well. Some of you may not believe in Karma, you may not believe in Buddha or his philosophy at all. Some of you may believe in Jesus or God, Jesus said "Do unto others as you would have done to you." this falls along the lines similar to Buddha's belief in Karma or at least what we may think of Karma. What I have believed about Karma, is what we do, our actions cause an effect. Bad actions cause bad effects.

When you get a serious illness, or face death head on, you challenge your thinking at times all of your thinking. You may look at your past and see your mistakes and wonder if you caused what is happening now. I know I have been dealing with this daily. I am asking questions, I question my previous actions and wonder if I brought this on, did I bring on cancer?

Then I did some more research on Karma, Karma is misinterpreted so I am finding. Karma is about intentions. Do we intentionally do bad things, or do we try and be a good person who makes mistakes. Sin is what Jesus says our mistakes are, we all sin and fall short of the glory of God. Then comes forgiveness and grace. This is the point I need to get too, I need to stop looking in the past, at mistakes and wondering if I am being punished or being taught a lesson. One can eat a soul up with guilt.

Karma can go both ways, you can bring good forth into this world. I am a good person, who makes mistakes yes but overall a good person. Whether or not Karma is true I am letting it go, I can no longer wonder if I am paying for my sins....

I am moving forward, I am choosing to live a full life, I may be in some pain most days but it is OK, I would rather be uncomfortable and here in my families life then not here at all. Cancer has given me a gift, I question everything and it is empowering. We all need to step back and question life... question ourselves and challenge ourselves to live a better fuller life. I am asking the question is Karma true...maybe it is or maybe it is not, either way I am realizing I can no longer hold onto the past by looking backwards. My life begins today, this moment I am creating my destiny...

Can cancer cause such a dramatic change in one's body?

2009-07-20T17:18:00.000-07:00

I have to share this, because I am quite surprised to know that the cancer that was living inside me, may have caused some serious issues I was having.

Since 2007 I was having some major changes in my body. I won't go into too much detail but I thought I needed to share this. I began going months without a cycle. I was have insomnia as bad as several times a week, waking up completely drenched in sweat.

After seeing many doctors over the years we all agreed that I was peri-menopausal. Rare, due to my age but all of my symptoms pointed to this.

Fast forward to April 2009, it had been a few months since my cycle.. very used to this by now and no shock. At each Dr. apt. they wanted to do a pregnancy test just to make sure. Again this was becoming common practice over the years.

April 29th... my bilateral mastectomy to get rid of all of the cancer.

It is now July, and I have to say that my body is completely back to normal... since 2007 I have been out of whack thinking I was peri-menopausal. So strange that everything fell back into a normal rhythm right after my surgery.

I bring this up because I think this is all related. I think it is quite amazing that cancer cells can alter a body so dramatically. Hey...maybe the weight I have put on over the past two years on for no reason at all will, start to shed as well... or maybe I should stop having so much ice cream ;)....

Next comes the roof, then the sidding then the solar panels... we will be the first Green School in the area!

2009-07-15T16:44:00.001-07:00

The cranes come in for the roof trusses

2009-07-15T16:42:00.000-07:00

The new school under construction

2009-07-15T16:41:00.000-07:00

Leaving Cancer Behind

2009-07-15T16:33:00.000-07:00

Since my road trip I have really been walking away from cancer. I have the luxury right now too walk away from cancer, and I know that I am very fortunate. I have not visited my cancer board too often and I have not been to the doctor for two weeks. So I guess I am feeling almost normal, until it comes up in conversation. I am very open with my story because I want others to realize this can happen to them and we all need to be our own advocate. But honestly I am pissed off about everything I had to go through, and how my body feels every day. I see my scarred up chest and it is a constant reminder. But in dealing with this annoyed feeling of having cancer I am moving forward with my life and thinking less of cancer each day. I am beginning to think ahead, dream and work towards new goals. As each day passes, so does the thoughts of cancer coming back. Maybe because my four kids keep me so busy that I don't have time to think!!!

I am back in school again so I have homework, we are building and expanding my preschool so that is taking up much of my time. I am swamped really, cancer sure has not slowed me down at all. So I guess as much as I feel annoyed with cancer, my happiness is greater than cancer. I am so grateful to be alive each day, to have another day of thinking I am cancer free. I see plans of mine that have been in the works for a couple of years coming to life and it reminds me that I am alive! This is going to be a good year, or a better rest of the year. I am sick of bad luck, and I am reclaiming my life..... I am claiming a secret and mindful mentality once again.....

Cheers to better days and leaving cancer fears behind....

Wyatte was the only brave one to hold it!

2009-07-09T14:54:00.000-07:00

Seattle

2009-07-09T14:52:00.000-07:00

Yes pirate flags

2009-07-09T14:50:00.000-07:00

Spencer was terrified of the sky tram

2009-07-09T14:48:00.000-07:00

The boys got a quick out of this

2009-07-09T14:46:00.000-07:00

Wyatte at the beach

2009-07-09T14:45:00.000-07:00

Can't think of a creative title...

2009-07-09T14:26:00.000-07:00

It has been more than a week since I blogged. I was on vacation for all of last week with my four kids, we had a blast and really needed that time to heal almost from me not being them for them during my recovery. I also took this road trip to prove to myself that I could do it, I could live spontaneously still and I could pack up the car and hit the wide open road with my four kids. During that trip I learned again, which I already knew or at least I thought I knew, that yes my kids are truly great kids. I explained to them over and over that because they are good kids and have great manners I can take them on an adventure. It made my heart fill with joy to know that this trip will always be a fun memory for them.

Road Trip 2009

Sunday at 9:00 a.m. I decided to hit the road at 12 p.m. A day earlier than planned, and wait I have a quiz to do. Lots of running, packing, and craziness until departure 11:45 a.m.! Wow, our first success, 10 minutes early!

Sunday evening we stayed in Eureka with my Aunt Anita. It was a quick trip, tucked the kids in to bed, worked on homework and was out the door by 7 a.m.!

Monday: Drove 101 the coast of California and into Oregon. Beautiful beyond words. At 8:00 a.m. we made a stop at a beach, no one was there and it was cold. But the kids loved it, found special treasures and I got to snap a few photos.

We also made a stop at Tree's of Mystery. The giant Paul Bunyan and his blue OX... we took the sky tram to the top of the Redwoods, a little scary but again a ton of memories.

Monday night we pulled into Portland around 6:40, just in time for dinner at the Hilton and a quick swim. We would have another four hour drive to get to my friend Dara's our final destination, Stanwood Washington.

Tuesday: Slept in a bit, 7:30... my kids do not know how to sleep in! Hit the road at 9 a.m and finally made it to Washington. Dara and T.J's place is gorgeous, the kids loved it and felt right at home making pirate flags, playing with Bambino the dog and Figaro the kitty. It was great to catch up with Dara, it had been a very long time.

Wednesday: We drove to Seattle, wow what fun and what memories. Forrest and I stayed in Seattle the first part of our honeymoon. I even came across the Inn we stayed at and got to show the kids, where it all began ;) The kids loved the rides near the space needle and the giant water park. We also went to Pikes place and Gabi got to see a giant fish right up close and personal! What a fun day we all had.

Thursday: We were off towards home again, I was tired!!! Only drove 5 hours this day and crashed at the hotel. Let the kids swim and watch cartoons.

Friday: We reached back home earlier than expected, 3 p.m and we were all so ready to be home, we missed Forrest. I love how separation truly makes the heart grow fonder. We came home to lots of progress on our new Preschool building. It is looking amazing!!!

So our road trip was a success, I think I needed it way more than the kids. I needed to remind myself that cancer will not slow me down, that I am my kids mom and I will not be tied down the weekly Dr.s' apt and well cancer running my life.

I am angry right now with cancer, I have been in pain for about 15 days and I can't seem to get rid of it. I am do damn tired of hurting. I was in pain for over a year before they found it, and now I am having major back issues and I can't breath very deep for the life of me. Chest x-rays look good, so I am heading back to my chiropractor and will have him work on me weekly for awhile.

I am also ready to be done with my fills and just get my surgery. I am done period with all the cancer crap. I am so sick of it.... the past two weeks have been my first two weeks without seeing any doctor. It felt great, now I know what I have been missing.

I am however back in school, just wrapping up another class and starting another this coming week. The school build is moving along and I will be starting the official state process in August, for opening up a center.

So life is still moving along, my dreams are still coming true, but the anger or annoyance I fill is still there. I think when we are sleep deprived we feel like this even more, hopefully once I get a hold of this pain and breathing issues I will feel more like me again....

2009-06-29T21:23:00.000-07:00

2009-06-29T21:20:00.000-07:00

Spontaneous Road Trip

2009-06-29T21:09:00.000-07:00

Wow I have been in my truck for almost two days, but no complaints here! The kids and I are on a road trip, and I am pleased to say no dr. apts. for me this week. I actually skipped out on my apt. I had today. They probably wondered where I was, but I had no phone reception to call...oh well.

I knew I wanted to take the kids to Washington, so we packed up in two hours yesterday and hit the road, basically planned the trip in those two hours. I was not sure how it would all pan out, but I have to say I am so glad I did this. The drive through the coast has been beautiful, to be surrounded by all the redwoods and to smell the salt in the air has been so refreshing. It reminds me that there is so much more to this life then cancer and waiting for it to come back.

Although the kids were so excited to go on this adventure, I think I am the person that needed this drive the most. I am getting lost in my thoughts, I am allowing myself to cry and allowing myself to feel so alive and grateful for all of my experiences, the good and the bad. We are in Portland, Or tonight and tomorrow we head to Washington to visit a dear friend of mine Dara.

Let the adventure continue....

Can I make it a week without seeing a Dr.?

2009-06-23T15:02:00.000-07:00

So it has been awhile since I updated, I am trying really hard to move forward and not look backwards. I am trying hard to not have my whole life revolve around cancer....

It is summer and I am really enjoying this time with my 4 kids.... they are growing so fast and I am realizing this each day as we spend time with each other.

Today I was thinking about reaching a day or a week where I do not have to pull out my kaiser card and check into a Dr.s apt. It seems that even though I am NED, even though I am cancer free I still go at least once or twice a week for something. Big sigh....

Going to the oncology department is the hardest department for me. I find that I have to sit in the waiting room constantly trying to hold back the tears. "How did I get so lucky? Why is it not me, sitting in the back hooked up to the chemo machines? Why am I not bald? Then I get an overwhelming feeling of guilt. I know that I dodged a bullet this time, that for some odd reason I got to my cancer just in time. Most days I still can't believe I found it just in time, I can't believe that after everything is said and done, I am ok now. Believe me... I do not take this for granted for one second.

After leaving oncology I usually have a huge break down by the time I make it to my car. I can't believe I am a patient, I can't believe that I missed the bullet and I can't believe that forever now I will constantly be looking over my back, wondering when and where it will appear again.

Hearing over and over, "we are so concerned with your age and it coming back" I cannot help but feel like it is coming back and next time I will be the person in the chemo chair. Am I calling this on myself? I don't think so... I am a realistic person, I understand that already the statistics worked against me, I understand when my Onc tells me he should not be seeing me yet because I am so young. I understand when my surgeons tell me they could not get all of my breast tissue and my cancer was high grade so it still may come back. I get all of this... and I have to face it.

So I want to make sure each project I choose to work on counts for something, each time spent with my kids will be remembered. I am healthy today, I can swim and garden and next week take a road trip with my kids. Next year I may not be... so even with all of my doubts about statistics and being cancer free I do acknowledge that today I am good! So I will take it and enjoy it.

Maybe one day I won't have to go to the Dr. each week, one day I wont' have to see all the usual faces I am now accustomed too, but it is ok, because it is those people who have made me ok now... it is those people who want me to suceed and to not see me again either.

Today I feel so lucky... so grateful and then so sad at the same time. So sad that so many others have to go through so much worse, other friends are waiting on results on scans, or finding out that the cancer has spread into their livers and bones, getting the news that there is nothing else the doctors can do. In all of this I understand way to well now... .that one day I can hear those very words.... and this is why I am grateful that today I am healthy!

Fill #3

2009-06-23T15:00:00.000-07:00

Each week I am blossoming!

2009-06-23T14:58:00.000-07:00

Smart Start Loomis.... in a year!

2009-06-23T14:55:00.001-07:00

Today I say %$^# you cancer!

2009-06-17T20:14:00.000-07:00

Good news... no great news... no amazing news! The week I was diagnosed another young man was diagnosed with leukemia. I do not know Nick personally only have followed his story through a mutual friend. Nick was a very healthy twenty eight year old, he thought he was sick with strep throat only to find out otherwise.

A month ago the chemo was not working and the Doctors told Nick's family that he needed a bone donor now or he will die sooner then later. The complicated part about Nick's story is that he needed a Caucasian and Asian donor, there was a 0% chance of finding a donor.

Nick's story was picked up by the media and throughout the country. Guess what? There are two possible donors!!!! Nick was told yesterday, Nick and the donors are beginning to prep for the transplant!

I pray that this transplant is the key to remission the key for Nick to live a long and healthy life.

Sometimes in the cancer world we need to hold on to those that defy statistics! We are not statistics.... Nick is not a statistic!

I need to be reminded of this today, statistically I was not supposed to be in the oncology department today, statistically I should have not gotten breast cancer. So today I say $%^& you to statistics, we are all just a person looking to be loved and cherished and healthy!

Dusting off my novel and beginning again

2009-06-14T21:01:00.000-07:00

I think if I say it aloud for others to see, then maybe just maybe I will finish it. I think I am ready to finish it. The story plot is set it has been set since 2007 when it came to me one night in the bath. Who would have thought that my story plot would come to life in such a way that it has as my real life is playing out.

I will not go into detail but my characters are calling me back, my novel is no longer dusty. I am writing now with a new passion and new emotion that is raw and needed for my novel. Maybe this is why I could not finish it last year, maybe this is why I had to shelve it.

Maybe all it needed was me to broken in a sense, to really grasp what my characters were going through. Maybe that is what I was missing, the emotions the true emotions.

I have already written thirty new pages... and I am ready to see this project to the end. Remember we only know we have today.... life is so precious, I am making this a new goal, a goal that I know I can do. Even if it never get's published I need it to be finished.

It feels wonderful to jump back into it and to see where it is changing... where it is coming to life in ways I would never have understood before... before cancer came into my life.

Healing Garden

2009-06-13T22:37:00.000-07:00

Forrest made me a garden or at least built me a garden with a fence and a gate during my first surgery recovery time. I have been wanting a garden since we moved here in 2006, but we never found the time to get it going.

The past few days I have been feeling like a water fountain, overflowing with sorrow. I am not sure why, maybe hormones...they say I am peri-menopausal so I guess I can blame that. But my emotions are deep to my core. I can feel that I am changed, that I am cancer so to speak. It is hard to explain. Someone asked me the other day how I had changed... I know I am changed but I am still not sure how. I know I am way more emotional, maybe not by crying but I feel things deeper within me.

I also feel death or see death around me. I see the women walking through the store who is in the middle of chemo, the women bald with a baseball cap. Never would have picked that up six months ago. I see the person missing a limb, possibly would have noticed but again not sure. I see things differently.

Forrest says I am being morbid... am I? When you hear the words cancer, you immediately think of death. I am trying to process everything, I am allowing myself to feel however I feel. I do not want it to consume me, but it is there... it is everywhere I turn.

People have come into my life since diagnosis, people I would have never known otherwise. It is through there stories that I see the true destruction of cancer.

I am grateful for these emotions and I welcome them, it has made me pick up my book again. These emotions are so raw that I could feel my novel calling me again. I began a book in 2007, but had to shelve it because it got to deep for me to handle at that time, it was taking me to places I did not think I was ready to go. When you are writing a book, sometimes your characters take the lead, it may sound strange but it happens.

Anyways I had shelved my book. But today I dusted it off so to speak, and began again. It felt incredible and it feels like this is exactly what I need to be doing. I am no longer afraid of where it may take me, I am ready this time.

I have also spent two days outside, in my backyard and in my garden. I am calling it my healing garden. I planted the seeds right after my lumpectomy, I was so sore, but I had pushed through and planted all of the seeds.

Today I am seeing the growth and product of the seeds that were so small. The garden is overflowing with organic fruits and veggies. I also spent the day planting. Gardening is a way for me to be still and think, to process and dream. Today I let my emotions begin to heal as I worked the dirt between my fingers.

I know that it is a journey in and of itself... this process of healing, this process of what now, after cancer. I know that the fear of having it find me again will one day dissipate or at least I hope, but if it does not at least I hope to learn to live with it, without it effecting my life.

I am realizing that as much as I don't want to be cancer, I am cancer... it is me. It will always have some hold of me.

But tonight, I will continue to write the story that is within me, the story that came to me in 2007. It is time to begin once again...my lavender journey....

Healing Garden

2009-06-13T22:36:00.000-07:00

2009-06-13T22:34:00.000-07:00

Healing Garden

2009-06-13T22:32:00.000-07:00

I am humbled

2009-06-10T17:37:00.000-07:00

I just read a dying womens latest journal entry regarding submitting herself to hospice care. I am overwhelmed with sadness. I am reminded that life is so precious, we all are on the road to death really. No one is promised to live forever. Her journal entry was so profound, so moving. She fought metastatic breast cancer for nine years and was so grateful for those nine years. She talked about her fears of pain, but ultimatley her succoming to death. What a truly heroic women, to keep her head heald high, grateful for her life even if it is ending way sooner than it should have. Trying to enjoy every second she has left with her family and friends.

Today this made me think... is there something you need to tell a loved one? Is there forgivness you need? Is there a dream you have not accomplished? What are you waiting for? What am I waiting for? There is no time like today to make amends, to accomlish your dreams to tell that loved one that you do truly love them... today is your chance, to make a difference in not only your life but others around you.

The quiet ticking noise in the back of my mind

2009-06-08T18:16:00.000-07:00

Today I logged into my next course at school. It felt good but at the same time I am not sure if this is what I am supposed to be doing now. Am I supposed to be in school, working toward my degree in Pyschology? I want to do exactly what I am supposed to be doing...what my heart tells me. Time is of the essence...more than ever. As much as I am moving forward I cannot deny the quiet ticking I hear in the back of my head. I hear it daily...tick, tick, tick... the quiet hush of the clock of my life.

I try not to dwell on this ticking noise but I acknowledge it, I know it is there because it is never quiet. It is there always in all that I do, in all of my plans. I hear the ticking of the clock. This is why I want to make the right choices do what feels right, plan for great things because I have no idea when cancer will strike again. To be honest I am planning on dealing with this again. I am not a downer, I am a realists. I understand that today they say I am CURED... cured... that does not make sense since there is no cure for cancer... no magice pill. At this time I am NED... "No evidence of the disease"

I am confused by all of this...what does this really mean? I chatted with one of the top doctors specializing in my cancer today... I paid out of pocket to have him give me a second opinion... he even told me, he is a worry wort... and he is worried due to my age. This is not the first time I am hearing this... he also said that even after a mastectomy they can not get all of the tissue due to my age and how agressive the DCIS was, and in many areas the chances of it returning is a very real possibility...

All of this I know... I live with this each day. I am waiting for the next time around.... call me morbid if you want or I like to think of it as a realist. My body made this one time around already. They say that cancer is in your body for years before it is found.

My cancer is not related to a gene mutation..... so that is good or is it? What have I done that my body, my immune system did not kill these cells but they multiplied all over my right breast.

These are the questions I have..... I am not sad or made or even frustrated. I am just.... well just me.

I am in a place now of what next... what is really important to me... what are the true desires of my heart... because that is what I want to focus on.... only the important things because I don't want to waste any time of useless stuff....

Time to Press The "Resume" Button

2009-06-06T09:41:00.000-07:00

I am officially pressing the "resume" button on my life! The "pause" button was on for way to long. Summer is here, my kids last day of school was yesterday, I graduated my students from Smart Start and I got great news from the top Pathologist specializing in my cancer. After he reviewed all of my slides, no further treatment is neccesary. Margins were good and only follow up MRI's at this time. I am breathing a huge sigh of relief. I needed to make sure there was no invasive in any of my slides... it would have haunted me if I did not take the next step and have them privatly reviewed.

As summer is officially here, my expansion is going way better than I had expected with very little pain I am pushing "Resume" I just ordered my new books and I go back to school on Tuesday, to resume my degree in Psychology... working towards opening my own play therapy practice.

The new Smart Start building(my brand new preschool building) is way on it's way.... my dreams continue on. Cancer was only a bump in the road... a marker in my life that showed me how truly remarkable life is. My dreams continue to come alive everywhere I look.

I am looking forward to spending time with my kids... giving them lots of hugs... lots of attention and letting them talk and heal when they are ready. I am already seeing a huge difference now that we let them in on all that has happened.

Let my life resume... and I think I will also resume a project I began a year and a half ago.... "Lavender Journey" a book of mine that I had written. It is a very rough draft but I hear it calling to me....

I am also to get back to my horses.... Ruby my horse was ridden this week and did great even after three months of no one on her back... In a few weeks I will be riding her once my arms work better!!!

Yoga is also calling me.... I am setting up my own area on my back deck, next to the creek. I will be in the midst of nature... perfect for me....

Another sigh here... and as I close picture me smiling, a small tear is also slipping down my right cheek.... pushing a "resume" button never felt so good in all of my life!

The effects of cancer and my kids

2009-06-06T08:35:00.000-07:00

This issue has been on my heart for a few weeks. As much as I know I am healing and growing from this experience there have been others who have been incredibly affected. This is about my children, I was not sure if I wanted to write this but part of being open means talking about the not so good affects on all of our lives. In respect to my childrens privacy I will not go into great detail on how cancer has truly affected them over the past three months.

Caner affects everyone, even our children. When I was diagnosed I tried to remain calm and moved forward and quickly meeting with doctors every few weeks, getting tests and basically surrended my life to cancerland. Forrest and I have always been open with our kids, open to each of their levels of course. So on day number two we talked with our four kids about mommy having something called cancer. We explained that our body was made out of cells and I had some bad cells in my body and the doctors were going to cut them out by surgery. We explained that after surgery I would be in a bed for a little bet getting better. That was in March. This was when the fog came over our house and began to thicken day by day.

We believed life was still normal in their world. But as we look back now after the heavy fog begins to lift we see that nothing was normal in their world, and we can now see clearly the effects of cancer and my children.

The changes may have been suttle at first... I stopped working part time, too many apointments and phone calls kept me from being the teacher I needed to be. I stopped going into my first graders classroom each Tuesday. Grandma was over a lot, cleaning our kitchen, even though I was very capable before my first surgery, but this was her way of helping. My father in law then began taking my kids to school in the morning and picking them up, this was my job but after my first surgery I could not drive for awhile.

You know your kids pick up things when your 2.5 year old say"Mommy going to Doctors?" If I left the house.

Family was shuffling the kids around to house to house while Forrest took care of me. Meals were being dropped off and adults would stop me and ask how I was. Our world was no longer normal, even though we tried and thought we were doing our best to keep their worlds the same but now moving out of cancerland we see that we made some huge mistakes.

Before cancer hit our family for the past two years we were dealing with a family trauma so deep and so overwhelming that it consumed our lives. It was a event so devestating to one of my children, that caused trauma to the brain causing major sleep issues, called Central sleep apnea. Central is when the brain would send signals to the lungs causing my child to stop breathing at night. We spent many nights doing sleep studies and for over a year and a half it was though we had a constant newborn in the home. We were very sleep deprived... which means constant stess for all.

This was our world before cancer, really up until August of 2008, when my child had a major break through and release a lot of pain through play therapy. That moment, that day will be forever marked in my mind... as shaken as I was, it was the turning point for my child... from that day forward my child was new, fresh and so joyful. The sleep issues were gone, waking up rested for not only my child but for Forrest and I. It was a miracle... for so long we were dealing with a sleep deprived child with anger that would overflow at any moment at anything.

Who would have known that soon after my diagnosis it would set the pattern off again... so began the sleepless nights, the anger that we thought was gone was begininning to show it's ugly face. Like any of us, who goes nights and nights without rem would eventually act... exhausted with a short fuse.

In the midst of everything.... we could not see it happening. We were living day to day, doctor apointment to apointment then surgery to surgery. But right before my bilateral mastectomy it came to my attention in a dramatic way. My child had a major breakdown.... attacking a child and then attacking me. As I dragged my child to the car... I began to cry... this way way too much... I can't do this I thought... I can't go back down this road... I can't loose my child again!

To be honest... I had breast issues and pain all of 2008, I knew something may be terribly wrong... but I also knew that I needed to help my child.. I needed to get my child better before I could deal with me.... stupid on one hand but looking back I know I could not have dealt with cancer as well.

Two weeks after my last surgery we began play therapy again for my child. The therapist began to tell us that this diagnosis is as traumatizing as the previous trauma and that though you try to keep life normal it is not.

By session number two... we saw the problem... it was the cancer.... He acted out a surgery on me all while playing mr. patatoe head.... since that day which was two weeks ago he has slept all night long! he stopped sleeping again due to the worry and not knowing details about my surgeries. He made things up in his mind.... as kids do. So that night we told the whole story about what happened to mommy.... to all of my children.

Behaviors like quick to anger, back talk, accidents all have affected my children. Each one quietly suffering on their own. The fog has lifted and I heal it is time to have them each heal as well.

Why I write this today is to show you I failed my children. I thought I was open by telling them I had cancer and would have surgery. But it was not the whole truth...

All my kids saw was mom in bed, or mom at the doctors.. they could not hug mom, dad was helping mom... aunts were getting them dressed... grandpa was taking them to school.... mom was sick....

Learn from my mistake.... we sat our kids down and explained each operation, we told them that my breasts were removed and that now they are going to make me new ones. That I was better and that we were so sorry for not telling them everything. That was all it took... us explaining things to them... they are all now doing great... I am here now... I am no longer in bed... I am starting to give hugs again... I am driving them to school and I am going to be here for a long time beging their mom!

So the moral to this post is to be open with your children.... my kids are 8, 7, 5 and 3. Cancer creates an upside world for those of you living with it... out of respect to our kids may we allow them into our world, not protect them. It is with us thinking that we are protecting them that causes them harm... they can handle more than we know. It shows love that we bring them in and talk to them openly giving them back some control that cancer can take away.

A new passion is bubbling out of me!

2009-05-30T10:20:00.000-07:00

I have been awaking each new day with a sense of refreshness, a new urgency a new passion. If you have known me for any amount of time, you should know that I have lived my life even before cancer with this motto... live this life to it's fullest because we only have one shot. This is how I have lived before cancer.

I have dreamed dreams, set goals and loved life. I am not perfect by any means and have made a few huge mistakes along the way, making choices I wish I could change. But in the end I have loved my life... and even in my failures I have learned who I am in the midst of the failure. So I have lived a very full and blessed life, one that I would not change.

Now after cancer not too much is changing.... but I am finding my passion is increasing with each passing day. Before cancer I lived like I may not have tomorrow... .now I live this ten folds. I live in the moment... grateful for today, for this hour. There is a drive growing inside me to live... live like I have never lived before...

This is taking me to another level.... not sure I understand yet. I am now in the process of making sense of my diagnosis... I will not ask "why me" I have always refused to ask that question on any of my life crisis. Instead "why not me" so in this I am beginning to wonder what the aftermath will hold. I can feel myself changing... in a very good way. I can feel a passion a zest for life deep within my soul. It is really hard to explain especially for a girl who has already had such a zest for life.

So today.. I begin this new day... open wide for possibilities. I love my family, my kids, my husband. Today I begin to open up my mind and soul for the lesson I want to learn from my diagnosis. Getting cancer is not a choice... it just happens. We have no control.... we can let it control us or we can look it straight in the eyes and say screw you cancer.... you may have had part of my body but you can not have my soul... my life!

I will let you however, teach me a thing or two.... so today I am opening myself up for the lesson in all of this. I once believed things happen for a reason... don't really believe this. I have not for a long time after a friend passed away suddenly when we were 21. But I do believe we can let our life experiences, teach us if we let it. We can see how truly strong we are, we can see how truly loved we are... we can see how life truly is a gift!

So today.... be in this moment... experience today, do not look backwards, love today, forgive today and move forward with your sould wide open... you may experience life in a way you have never experienced before!

So today I say thank you to cancer... even with this diagnosis... it cancer will never take my soul or this very moment...

Filler Up...

2009-05-28T15:07:00.000-07:00

Today was my first fill.... fill you ask? Well it is officially time to start my reconstruction. I was not sure how it all worked, I knew they had to inject me. It was a piece of cake, got a little freaked when another women came out to the waiting room before me. She told her husband that it had hurt so bad...

Anyways they basically get a magnet and find the valve to the expander which lays right under my skin. Once they found the valve opening, they injected me with a saline solution. I did not feel the needle at all. It was so quick. I only got 30cc this first time around in each, so maybe that is why I am saying no big deal. Forrest thought it was quite amusing as I instantly grew a bit! I go back each week and will bump up my fills. My goal is to get 60cc each time and I hope to have my goal size in about 7-8 weeks. I am now looking like a teenager close to needing a training bra! Ha... can you tell I find this somewhat funny :)

The picture above is the first of many with my new look!

Embracing the new me!

2009-05-24T16:42:00.000-07:00

My last post talked about to stuff or not to stuff. I went one day as a stuffed teenager. I ventured out to the doctors and some errands. But at the end of the day it was just another thing to add to my list of things to get ready. As women we are told from a early age how vital our looks are, of course our mothers tell us we are pretty no matter what, and try and teach us it is what is on the inside that is important. However, we all know what society really says about beauty.

Girls you have been in a store and before you know it your chest is being scoped.... or you may have gotten the once over by a man. These are the things I have pondered this week as I adjust and decide what is right for me. In the end, I say screw what society says or the pressure of what I thought I needed to look like or be like. I was not sure what I would choose after my surgery, what look I would embrace.

The shock of being a boobless wonder has faded. I am embracing the teenager in bloom much faster than I thought. I realize that it no longer matters to me. I am not saying I do not care how I look when I leave my house, I still like to put my favorite earrings on, some mascara and straighten my hair. But stepping out of my house, out of my comfort zone with no boobs is empowering.

I am embracing it, I no longer care....I am a boobless wonder and it is my battle scar if you will. I do not feel like a survivor, or that I have battled anything really. I chose to cut all of the cancer out, even if that meant cutting a part of my body off, like most of us would if given a choice.

I walk with my head held high.... I have suffered from the pain both emotionally and physically but today I am just me... just Amber. Yes I walk a little slower, not quite that tall yet, and a little tired at times, I have no breast and choose to still wear the tank tops I once wore... even if I am flatter than a panckake, because I choose to be alive, I am a wife, mother, friend and lover of life! I am a boobless wonder, and I embrace this, in this I feel liberated!

taking the age old question to the test.."What to Wear Today?"

2009-05-19T18:15:00.001-07:00

Today after I slept most of the day away. It was just one of those days, I was exhausted. But at 1 p.m. when I finally got up, it hits me... what to wear today? I have not gotten a prosthetic of any kind yet. Not sure if I will, since my expansion begins next week with my first fill. But the weather here is very hot.... all of my clothes for summer are tanks and halters. I tried to wear a very padded bra today.... I got a good chuckle.... nope that will no longer work. Hum.... I begin to try and stuff it.... I laugh again as this cotton material pokes out of the area a boob should.

I am a pre-teen again.... about to blossom. I find it funny in some ways and in other ways it is a bit frustrating. So for now I have gone with nothing.... well my ace bandages of course. I am flatter then a pancake... what did I expect? I am starting to leave my house as the new me. I know it is only temporary. But for now.... I am all natural, or at least until I find the right prosthetic that works for me.

Hey maybe I will be carded again, when buying alcohol? Well can wish right?

Day #19 post-op

2009-05-18T21:13:00.000-07:00

Today was a fabulous day. Today I had a wonderful visit with a friend, sitting on my back deck. Today I got my last 2 drains out. Today I celebrated with lunch with my favorite guy Forrest and my favorite four year old Colbey. Today, I can feel my body start to bounce back. Today I am beginning to see past this world I call cancer.

Today was fabulous... as is my life and all of you in it!

Gratitude

2009-05-15T09:06:00.000-07:00

My mental and emotional well being is recovering faster than my body. I know that in time I will physically catch up as well. All in all, though I can feel myself on the road to recovery in all aspects.

Today I am full of gratitude! Words will never be enough for all of the outpouring of love not only to me but to my entire family. From notes, emails, cards, dinners, flowers, special gifts, grandmas and aunts helping around the house from laundry to cleaning and helping with all four of my kids.

I know our home is a busy home, four kids with four different schedules can be hectic to say the least. The love from family and friends is overwhelming. So today I say thank you to all of you. Some have asked me if emails are ok, do they make a difference. Yes I say, notes and letters are so encouraging. Even if you do not hear from me right away, know those words you wrote touched me.

When someone is going through something like this, know how vital words of encouragment are! Truly... when someone is in their darkest hours it is with the support from others that helps us out of the darkness and into the light!

So today I am thankful...

For Forrest who has proven his love for me over and over, that I never have to ask again... "Do you love me?"

For my four children... for their tender kisses and gentle hugs, for the pretty pictures they have made, or for the sweet stroke of my hair as they tell me excitedly about their day. I miss being their full time mom... but know this is only a season and soon I will be doing it all once again.

For my extended family who has taken over the house... laundry... carpool and grocery shopping. Thank you for taking the time to help my family....

For my Staff at Smart Start... wow how incredible you are! I left a job I loved in March pretty abrubtly so I could focus on getting better. My staff stepped in and I could never say thank you enough! Thank you parents for all of your understanding, patience and flexibility!!!!

For my friends... wow how blessed I am. So many of you have touched me with being there to lift me up.

For my town.... I am so thankful for the community I live in. I can't believe it has been 3 years since we picked up our family and made this move. Leaving everyone else behind to start fresh on land. It was exactly what our family needed. So today as I type from my bed, I look out my french doors to my property... I see the beauty in the freshly bloomed trees, the rushing of the creek and the greens coming from the earth of my garden.

I am full of gratitude this beautiful morning... I am a women truly blessed beyond words!

The secret sorority, that no one wants to join

2009-05-14T09:06:00.000-07:00

There is a secret sorority that exsists, one that the members never had a choice in joining. I am apart of this sorority now, and through this sorority I have found support. I have learned there is always another sister going through much worse... I have also learned that what that other sister is going through can be me in the near future. With this information we come together, the internet can now make perfect strangers friends over night. Through encouraging notes through emails.

As I sat in a chair on Monday getting my hair done, since I can't move my arms yet. I sat in the chair with a tear running down my cheek. I though of my friend Gail... a stranger really, but again now my sorority sister. As the women washed my hair my heart was heavy because I knew that Gail was loosing hers.

As I looked at Gabi yesterday and as much as I wanted to hold her or help more, I thought of another sister that did not choose to be apart of this sorority. Trina... who at that moment as I wanted to help my own daughter was having to terminate her own pregnancy. Who was cancer free for seventeen years, went on with her life and then abrubtly was told the breast cancer was now in her liver and she would have to termintate her 12 week pregnancy to save her life and begin treatment.

You see I learned this week, when I was stripped, that we don't know what life holds. This raw pain that I am experiencing in for other women and there family as well.

I don't know, if my cancer will eventually find its way in my liver or lungs. Cancer is a devestating disease, I finally get it. I understand that this day, this moment is all that I know I have. In this, I find true happiness. I want to live for this day, make this day what counts, because today I am alive and blessed beyond words!

The truth about living in the moment

2009-05-14T08:50:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I had my darkest days since my diagnosis. I think it all began on Thursday, as the bandages fell to the floor in the small doctor office. Living in the moment has been something that I have learned over the past year. It is not easy, it is a constant battle to be right here... right in this place at this point in time.

Cancer has really changed me, I am not sure yet how or to the exent of the change. I only live in the moment, especially after surgery. My in the moment has been painful, feeling every pain, every breath a struggle to take at times.

Sunday I hit bottom, but looking back now it was needed. The physical pain of this journey as well as the emotional pain came boiling out of me. Alone in my bed... as the clock ticked, as the seconds passed I was in the moment. I could feel the pain not only radiating from my tired body but from deep within my soul.... the tears came like they do all of the time now. My voice began to furiously talk... talk to my God... who always listens. The pain that I have is not only mine, but since my diagnosis and all of my research I have come to realize the devestation of cancer.

My cousin has been dealing with cancer for all of her adult life, yet when it is not happening to you, you do not realize the depth of the disease. Sunday I hit bottom, not just for me and what was happening to me, but for others I have met along this journey. Others who are dealing with this disease and the devestation that is far greater than me.

I was stripped on Sunday, or at least it is when I realized it. Through each tear, through each pain radiating from my body I knew I hit bottom. I did not ask why during my chat, I asked now what. Where I am supposed to go now, who am I supposed to be now... and what does my future hold now?

These are the questions I have posed.... that I have sent out there to the universe. I am changed in so many ways. At this time each year, I usually have my summer planned out, and the upcoming year, especially since I own a preschoool. Everything is lined up, my goals are before me and I am always two steps ahead of the game.

Today however, I only see today. I possibly see a few apt. in the next day or so, but living in the moment has really never been so clear to me.

When you hit bottom there is only one way out... and it is to look up, to pick yourself off and look ahead. All the pain I am feeling for others is intense... I know there is purpose for this pain.

I am starting a new journey today, I am fighting my way back up, both physically, mentally and emotionally. Although I have no idea who the new me is, really I will take it in strides... learn who that me is, except that new me and look forward to seeing what this new future holds. What new goals come out of this, what new plans are made.

Today... I am grateful for being stripped, for hitting bottom. I am grateful for the pain both physically and emotionally. I understand that in all of this I will become stronger I will become what I am supposed to become...

Hanging out with Gabi

2009-05-14T08:48:00.001-07:00

Gabi has a broken leg!

2009-05-09T12:11:00.001-07:00

So on Wednesday night, Gabi was at her cousins house with Grandma. She went on the trampoline for the first time! Yeah for Gabi... not really. In the end, not sure what happened since I was in bed. But Gabi began crying.... came home to us, very upset. I wanted to hold her and carry her, but I could not. I sat next to her and examined her leg, it was swollen and there was the bump. It was getting late and she just needed to get to bed. So we gave her some motrin and tucked her in. The next morning, we booked her an apointment.

All while my surgeons office was calling me to have me come in at the same time of course to check on me, since I was having drain issues. Ok, delagation set in. Grandma took Gabi to the doctor, while Forrest took me. We got a call while waiting for the surgen that sure enough Gabi broke her tibea.

So a splint was given and on Friday she picked a blue cast. Of all times to have her break her leg. So Forrest is our personal amature living assistant. He carries Gabi to the bathroom, gets her dressed, and carries her from place to place. Gabi and I now hang out in my bed. Oh boys, five weeks in a full cast for Gabi....

We will survive! But will Forrest???

When the bandages came off...

2009-05-09T11:55:00.000-07:00

Thursday morning was a crazy morning. My next post will go more into details about the twist and turns of this crazy adventure. Thursday morning as we were getting ready to take Gabi to the hospital because we thought her leg was broken my phone rings. The surgeon wanted to see me in two hours too get the drains out. Yeah, for me.... bad for Gabi. So we do what we do best and delegate and Forrest and I head out to Sacramento to get my drains out.

As the assistant leads us to the small run down office room, he gathers a lot of materials and sets it on a tray. "Wow I think, that is a lot of stuff, to take out my drains" my stomach begins to get nervous. More pain I think. Oh well I can handle it...

As the door opens and the surgeon comes in with his female assistant they immediatly get to work on me, unwrapping the ace bandage quickly. As soon as they start to unwrap, I can fill the tears coming... I try and hold back deep sobs from my soul. I did not plan these emotions, they just seem to sneak up on me, when I least expect. Forrest quickly grabs my hand, and I tell him not to look. He tells me of course he is going to look and smiles with love and affection.

I can not look, I quickly find a spot in the corner ceiling and tell my mind to go there and calm down, it could be a lot worse, I need to get a hold of myself. The tears keep coming... I have no idea what words are passed as they all examine me, all I know is that I am very different. It felt so strange, so light, so bare. The surgeon needs to grab something so he leaves the room, the door, the door with a mirror begins to stare right at me... quickly I look back at the ceiling. I am not ready to look, I am not ready to see what the scars look like.

"Oh honey.... I know this must be hard, just wait, they do amazing things these days. In a few months you will look better than ever." Says the older nurse, as she strokes my arm. My mind knows all of this. I know that it will be ok in the end. I know I will have better knockers then before... really I do. But the pain is overwhelming, and I can't help the emotions that come.

Soon the surgeon was back and it was time to maybe remove my drains... nope not this time. They bandaged me back up, I got a hold of myself and we went back home. Forrest never stopped holding my hand, he is amazing. He lets me cry and he lets me feel what I need too, he never tells me to toughen up, he never tells me it could be worse... he just holds me and tells me he is sorry.

So still today I have not quite seen the new me..... maybe today, maybe tomorrow or the next day. Each day it gets better and I get used to the new me.

7 days post op...

2009-05-06T11:09:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it has been seven days since my breast were chopped off. Wow.... how time flies when you are asleep for seven days. That has been my reality for the past seven days. I have been taking my pain pills and sleeping because the pain has been pretty overwhelming for me.

I have read that some women wake up from surgery relieved to know the cancer is gone. I wondered what my reactions would be the few minutes before I closed my eyes as I drifted off to darkness while they operated. As I woke up from surgery all I can think of was this incredible pain in my chest, how did they let an elephant sit on me during surgery. The pressure was intense, my breathing was very shallow and actually still is. Small quick breaths is all that I can breath.

I remember waking up and seeing Forrest there, I remember the warm tears coming down my cheeks, trying to hold back sobs. Why was I crying? I was not relieved that never crossed my mind, I was sad, I was changed. I was also in so much pain all I could do was cry.... then the darkness came again.

Later that night I woke up just enough to realize it was American Idol night... t.v. please.. I asked. So I caught just a few minutes of she shocking bottom two and then darkness hit me again.

I can not describe to you what this has felt like, for those of you who have gone through this you are very strong women! The pain comes from the four drainage tubes coming out of your body and the expanders placed in your tight breastless chest. The feeling of foreign objects pushing out of your skin is undescribable. Each movement takes my breath away, each step, each time I sit up Forrest has to remind me to relax first. Easy for him to say!

I have been so blessed to have so much help this past week, from my mother to my aunt, to Forrest's family and so many have brought food. Thank you so much.... my family has been so blessed because the kids really have no clue to amount of pain I am in, because there world has remained the same.

Today is day seven.... yesterday was a hard day. It is haunting at times this process. Lonely as well. I sit in my bedroom, thinking that I can't even believe this happened. Forrest finally said... believe it... it is done. But is it really? Did I really have my breasts chopped off? Did I really have cancer? It all went so fast. From my diagnosis, to my first surgery to this big surgery. It is so hard for me to be in so much pain that all I can do is lie down and sleep, I am such an active person. This is the first time I can actually sit up and type.... and even while doing it I must breath short painful breaths and move as little as possible.

I know each day it will get better, my skin is already adjusting to all of the plastic that is in me. I hopefully get these drains out of Friday and then maybe I can wear normal clothes. I am sitting here with my bedroom door open, I hear the rushing of our creek, the horse neighing and the birds singing. I am grateful even when I am in pain, I am thankful even when I feel lonely, I am humbled even when it hurts to type these words. Because today the doctors say I am cancer free, today no more treatment is needed. It could be worse, way worse.... so in this I am humbled.

I also know that this story may not be over, I may be cancer free today or for the next year but I truly do not know if it will come back or not. I am ok with this... I will continue to live like I have, loving my life, loving my family and hopefully loving the new boobs that should come my way in eight months or so!

Saying good bye... tomorrow is the day

2009-04-28T09:37:00.000-07:00

I was really ok when I woke up this morning. My head feel a bit heavy but other than that I woke up with a thankful heart. I am thankful that I am not loosing my site, my hearing, any of my limbs. I am overall healthy, I am thankful that I am loosing something that can be replaced... not perfectly but in the end possibly better then before.. or at least I can dream right?

But a few hours into the morning, as I see a friends tears it hits me again. This process this journey is not mine alone. It is all of ours. The people who are close to me are suffering as well. It is so shocking when we hear a young person has cancer or is terminally ill. The shock of the news is the realty that reminds us of our own mortality. We all have an end, a last day, a last breath. It is inevitable. We can not stop death.

It is ok to cry, it is ok to say goodbye. It is ok for you the reader to be sad. I am sad too, I am crying now too. It is a very sureal time, so strange. I knew if I stopped my mind would think. I would feel many emotions. I did not want to stop today... I did not want to feel the emotions. But in realty I need to feel whatever comes my way. I needed to stop and reflect. I need to let it go, and then breath in the peace that passes all understanding.

Thank you again for all of your prayers, love and support. Thank you for reading.... thank you for loving me at one time or another.

My boobie send off party!

2009-04-26T14:22:00.001-07:00

If you know me, then you know I love to have parties. Any excuse to get together and love on one another. So when I knew that a bilateral mastectomy was in my near future I decided to throw a party for my "girls" a send off so to speak, a celebration of life.

I wanted to make this a night not to make cancer the highlight of the evening, but really to unite all of us women and friends. It was a tribute to my dear friends near and far and women everywhere. Each of us are women, daughter, sisters, mothers and friends. We are bonded together in our femininity.

This was a night that I wanted to say thank you for all of the special friends in my life. The friends who have supported me before this beast came into my life. The women who loved me even when I failed miserably. I wanted a night to celebrate all of life journeys... together as women.

What a night it was, better than I could have imagined. I felt so honored to send of my boobs with a room full of women all in pink. To laugh, to talk and to cry together will never be forgotten. Learning to live in the moment is what I preached last night. Learning to not fret over yesterday or worry about what tomorrow holds, bu to truly live in this very second, this very minute and find true happiness.

As I woke up this morning I was overwhelmed with emotions. Even as I write I am still crying off and on. I am not sad really, but so truly humbled by the love I felt last night. I also feel that it is time to get my game face on, it is time to now focus on my surgery on Wed. The party is over, the boobs will only be with me for a few more days. The road ahead will be painful at times.

I am so happy that I had last night, I am so overjoyed by the unity of us all. I will hold the memories of last night deep within me, for all of my lifetime. It truly was a night I will never forget!

Thank you boobies for being apart of me for the past 31 years, thank you for feeding my three boys. Thank you for being apart of my sexuality and my identity. I will miss you, but I will also feel relieved when you are finally no longer apart of me...

2009-04-26T14:18:00.000-07:00

A tribute to my "Girls"

2009-04-26T13:09:00.000-07:00

In honor of Jen... who just passed yesterday

2009-04-22T14:48:00.000-07:00

http://www.08azbreastcancer3dy.blip.tv/#1525644

This is a wonderful short clip of last year's three day walk in Arizona, Jen was a featured speaker. She passed yesterday.

The "Big" surgery set!

2009-04-22T11:15:00.000-07:00

Surgery #2 date set

I woke up this morning full of emotions. Last night I learned that a girl who I had been seeing on the young cancer board, who I have been following her journey had passed yesterday. It hit me on so many levels, she is a stranger to me really, but yet again I have been seeing her posts, reading her blog learning from her and admiring her amazing outlook on life. She is superwomen really, and lived life to the fullest. So to see that she had passed so abruptly, makes me take a step back all while needing some time alone.

So today I am reminded yet again that we have no idea what our future holds. We can get into a horrible accident this afternoon. Life is precious, life is valuable and I do not want to take it for granted. I want to be alive, I want to live, I want to experience all that I am supposed to experience. Even in her death so is remembered for living her best!

Yesterday I was told that my plastic surgeon I saw two weeks ago no longer works for Kaiser. I was told yesterday that I would need to get a new consult with a plastic surgeon, it could put off my surgery for a few weeks.

Today however, I got a phone call from my general surgeon, he has the chief of plastic surgeon all lined up to do my surgery next Wednesday. Wow... that was a huge relief! So it is set, I will be going in for a bilateral mastectomy next Wed. April 29th, with immediate reconstruction done by the Chief of plastic surgery. So the next phase begins next week, the healing and rebuilding of my body. I will be in the hospital overnight.

A Ten Year Old With Breast Cancer

2009-04-17T07:30:00.001-07:00

Last night I went to breastcancer.org, a website I occasionally go too, to get information. Last night I was shocked to read a post from a young mother. A twenty nine year old mother was not on the site for herself. She just found out the lump that her daughter had, came back positive for cancer. She had not researched anything, and as you can imagine is very shocked. I have never heard of a ten year old getting breast cancer. It is very rare, but it has happened. This young 10 year old girl has stage two invasive cancer. Stage 2 at ten! I found myself terrified for this young girl. She is also a triple negative cancer patient. Which means they do not know what feeds her cancer.

Can you imagine, especially if you are a mother. My heart goes out to this family today. The are entering the fast track pace of cancer land. There lives have been forever turned upside down. Surgery, chemo, radiation..... and possibly having to face the fact that this girl may in fact have cancer in other places.

I am reminded every day that cancer has no boundaries, it can affect anyone at anytime.

The power for plants and soil

2009-04-16T14:33:00.000-07:00

Today was a beautiful day, the sun is so bright and it is warming up. I find joy in watching my flowers grow. From year to year they get lusher and bigger. Today I spent time planting, my hands in the wet soil, carefully transplanting the roots into the pots. In this I find peace, we are all plants so to speak. We all grow each day, whether because we are getting older and the pounds come sneaking upon us, or because we choose to grow, either mentally, spiritually or emotionally. If you are a parent we grow each day, we grow more and more gray hair each day, but also we grow patience and love for our kids.

What are you growing today? I look at my flowers and with the bright pinks and purple and remind myself that I will blossom and grow as well from this cancer land crash course that I reluctantly enrolled in. Or for that matter, this course that drug me by the hair with no choice at all.

What I am learning today is that I have to take this cancer thing by the balls, pardon my words. I can not let it grow in me, but yet take the reigns and stop it in it's tracks.

The cancer may be out of me in a few weeks, but I dare to ask myself why did it get in me in the first place? Is it environmental, or stress? Or was it inedible that I would one day have cancer. I will never know really, but what I am looking for is control. I can control what I eat, I can control my exercise intake. So today I am growing in new ways, finding it in me to change for the better, to grow and develop in a new and healthy way.

Of course I love my ice cream... so that is a lesson I may learn another day!

How Are You?

2009-04-15T10:00:00.000-07:00

I am getting this question a lot these days. I don't mind, but I am not one to say I am great when in realty on the inside I feel so overwhelmed that I just want to curl up in my warm bed.

But if you dare to ask the the question..."How are you?" my honest answer would be fabulous! I feel so incredibly blessed and overwhelmingly at peace. I am not a stranger to tough times, I have had several in the course of these 31 years. Accidents, mistakes, bad choices and of course failures. In those times I have also had to drag my butt out of my warm bed and face them and deal. I am grateful for those times in retrospect. It is in those dark days where I have learned about myself, and the power of my true strengths.

I am truly humbled these days by the love of the human spirit, the power of femininity. I have been touched by so many women, so many who have lifted me up by words of encouragement, prayers of by gifts. In all of this it has reminded me of living life to it's fullest.

I have always lived life this way, and although these past few weeks have been a rough emotional journey I have come back to my senses so to speak. Nothing has changed, really. I am still Amber, I am still the wife of Forrest, the mother of Spencer, Wyatte, Colbey and Gabi. I still love my job with a passion, I am still a friend and daughter.

So I choose to continue to walk my path, my journey living each day with meaning. Life has been so wonderful, even in my darkest days. I am grateful for the simple things really. I will continue to dream and continue to make goals and reach for them. Yes a few things are on hold, I am no longer teaching at the moment and I am no longer being taught, that is by a college professor. My classes have been put on pause for another month.

My kids bring me such joy, they teach me each day to stop and breath and to be thankful. They make me laugh and through their own triumphs I find joy. They are turning out to be very good kids, loving each other, enjoying each others company and loving the environment and animals around them.

So if you asked me today or yesterday or a week ago... "How are you?" this is my answer... fabulous, and I am sticking to it!!!

Cancerland Vacation

2009-04-08T18:24:00.000-07:00

Since Monday I went on Cancer land vacation. Forrest and I took the kids on Monday to Grass Valley for a fun little adventure. It was so nice to soak up the 85 degree weather and forget about the beast, called cancer living inside me.

We went to a old gold mine and explored the beautiful gardens. Then we ate a a cute cafe outside in old town Grass Valley. What a wonderful day. I was pretty exhausted by the end of it, but it was a much needed day off!

Tuesday I also took the day off, no phone calls, no research nada. We packed our kids up and they went to visit their cousins and grandparents. I am so thankful for the wonderful family that we have. I miss my kids so much, felt guilty at first but know that taking the week to rest and rejuvenate is just what I need right now. I also know that the kids will have a blast.

Today however I entered cancer land again. This time however I feel completely in control. I have done my research, I have looked over my latest pathology report and feel quite confident in my decision to have a bilateral mastectomy. I know it is the only choice given the size, grade and extensiveness of the cancer. I also know that if I kept the good breast, I would only live in fear of it creeping in that one as well.

So today I made all of my follow up calls, oncology, radiology, plastic surgeon and my breast surgeon. I also called back Dr. Bodai, and talked with him about my decision. He backed me fully and he also feels after reading my pathology report that this is the only way to go. Especially with my double negative hormone receptors as well as my age. Big sigh of relief, for some reason I kept thinking I was going to have to fight for this as well. Fight to have my so called healthy breast chopped off. So it has been decided and now I wate for the official date.

I am organizing the house, clearning the closets, at a slow rate with all my breaks in between as I rest. But I am getting ready for the big day. I am excited to wake up from the big surgery knowing this damn beast will be out of me!

The Lavender Shawl

2009-04-05T14:07:00.000-07:00

Today we went to church, I had known that my name was given the church to be put on the prayer chain. A friend of mine met me this morning with a gift bag. Before I looked inside she began to tell me the story behind the gift. There is a group of women at our church who prays for others while knitting that person a shawl or blanket. A couple of weeks ago my name was given to these women. My friend told me that the women knitted for me while lifting me up in prayer. The unique thing about my particular shawl was... it was a beautiful lavender shawl! Now these women do not know me, they were only given a name, they have not seen my blog or know that Lavender is my favorite flower, and the history behind my blog name. I have not shared the history behind my blog name with no one.

I began to cry when I opened up my gift bag, I was brought to tears by a beautiful gesture and a feeling of incredible peace as I touched the soft knitted shawl. Lavender, out of all the colors this women chose lavender.

Whether you believe in God or not, I felt peace. I do believe in God, always have. I see Him in many places and ways. Today I felt incredibly touched, and felt that I have not been forsaken. God is within me, giving me love in such a simple way.

This women was given only a name, while she sat with her knitting needles she prayed over this name, a name without a face, a name without a personality. She lifted me up, when I am in need of all the thoughts and prayers from others. I am truly humbled... I am truly at awe of the human spirit, at the grace and love in all of this.

Today as I laid in my bed, for an afternoon rest I wrapped my new lavender shawl around me, and felt at peace...

In mourning....

2009-04-04T17:12:00.000-07:00

The past few days have been draining for me. First I am recovering from surgery last Friday. It put me out a few more days than I orignially expected. Today I am thankful that at this time my lymph nodes were negative. That is great news. I do feel somewhat reveived that they are negative. I know that most likely no cancer anywhere else, or at least I would like to think that for now.

The bad news this week that I got was that the cancer is still in me... so I am officially still "Cancer, Amber" sorry, could not help myself, it is a running joke with a few of us! With the cancer still there, aggressive and extensive I have decided to move forward with the next surgery being the "big" surgery.

When I first heard the words, "You have cancer" I immediately wanted my breasts removed no questions asked. Now when it is time to prep for the "big" surgery I find myself crying, quietly and by myself. The tears that are shed, I am realizing are tears of mourning. As much as I want them gone, my heart feels heavy with sadness. I am however thankful that I was a young mother. I am so grateful that I had my children young, I had the experiences of nursing my boys, each one of them.

When I see other women in my shoes who are single at 26 facing this surgery I can't even imagine. So in the midst of my tears I also find happiness in the realization that these girls of mine did their job, these girls of mine experienced nursing my babies.

This is a journey of many emotions, I can not even describe all that I am feeling at any given moment. One minute I feel like plain Amber, in the moment dreaming of bigger plans for the future and the next I am so paralyzed with the fear of the unknown. My life has been put on hold, as much as I am trying to maintain normalcy, it is not normal, not in any way.

Going to the doctors' two or three times a week has never been my normal, researching my type of cancer or reconstruction has never been normal in my world.

A dear friend of mine told me the other day that I had changed. Please don't get mad that I am writing this, dear friend. You are so valuable in my life. But those words struck me, it was true, I am trying so hard to fight of this cancer, to stay the same, but I am changed.

I can't deny it, this news of cancer has changed me to the core. As much as I struggle to remain just plain Amber, I am realizing for the remainder of my life, cancer will follow me. Check ups, oncology visits, surgery's, all things I never asked for, I never dreamed up.

My world has always been bright and big, I have always dreamed big, setting my next goal and then chasing it until it had been accomplished. This diagnosis was never a goal of mine, I never dreamed of chasing it down until it was accomplished. So my world as I knew it, is on pause. My goal of graduating with my degree in psychology has been put on hold, my dream of opening up The Secret Ravine Foundation, a non-profit to help autistic children and families has suddenly been halted.

My role as mother has also been put on a temporary hold in many ways. I have missed baseball games, driving my kids to school and helping them in general due to appointments, or healing and recuperating. All of this is overwhelming...

My life as I knew it has quietly died in some ways. The old Amber is here, somewhere but buried under the mess of this cancer. I know that I will be back, I will be back to rise up set new goals and begin life again one day. Soon, really, soon I hope I can be back.

But now, I am mentally tired, physically sore, emotionally drained. This is raw, this is honest. I am no hero, I am not strong, I am scared and I am in mourning. I am letting go, of my body image, I am letting go of what I thought I knew about myself, my hopes and dreams. I am going to let myself cry, something I don't like to do very much. I am going to let myself grieve, I have to, it is apart of my journey.

I will however, grow from this. I will however become a better and stronger Amber. I will however come out of this episode with a new me, new goals and new accomplishments. I am confident in that, even when a lone tear slowly falls down my cheek.

I am confident that is will be ok, no matter what.... in the end it will be ok, in fact I know that it will be better than I can ever imagine. But until then... today I am in mourning and it is ok...

Pre-Pathology Report

2009-04-02T13:53:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to do a quick update for everyone. I will write more later. Forrest and I met with my surgeon today, the great news is that my lymph nodes were negative, no cancer! The bad news is that there is still cancer in my breast. So back to surgery for me. I will pick up a copy of my pathology report tomorrow and get a second opinion. I have decided to meet with a plastic surgeon and move forward with a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction.

Feeling the love

2009-03-28T17:39:00.000-07:00

First before any update, I am so overwhelmed by all of you! When I awoke this morning, I had so many flowers, gifts and special notes! Even special cards from my students! What a wonderful and emotional wake up! Thank you all, for not only supporting me but my entire family! We are all feeling the love!

It is almost 6 pm on Saturday and I am feeling pretty good, a little tired and pretty sore but good overall. Yesterday was a very long day, almost 12 hours in the hospital. The prep was a bigger ordeal than surgery I think.

First I had to get a nuclear medicine injection, where thy biopsied the lymph nodes. Than I had to get a localized wire insertion into my effected boob. That was the most unpleasant thing about yesterday. Being trapped in a very funky position in the Mammogram machine for almost 30 minutes. Talk about needing a massage after this :)

Then I waiting 4 hours before surgery to begin. I am told that the surgeon removed two lumps, so far he says everything to his eye looks good.

So today I am just laying around full of pain killers, I am not sick at all, thanks to this ear patch I got yesterday. I do have some vision issues, everything is a little blurry but maybe because I am so tired still.

The pathology report should come in next week. Then I will need to make decisions regarding my treatment. Until then I will be relaxing and reading and healing from this first surgery.

Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart, with dinners, cards, flowers and gifts. My heart is happy and my soul feels loved!

Day # 15- Males Beware

2009-03-26T14:37:00.000-07:00

I have had a very productive day, getting ready for my surgery tomorrow. Yesterday I had a wonderful morning all my myself. Sometimes you need mornings like this to reflect and refresh. Now just to warn you before I begin, if you are a male you may not want to read this. But to be fair to myself through this journey I need to write about everything.

Yesterday as I shopped the sun was shinning and it was so warm out. Usually at this time of year I like to pick up a cute sun dress or two and perhaps start looking for that cute swim suit. This year however it was quite strange to go into a store. I found of course several cute sundresses, my favorite is any halter style. But as I ran my finger across the fabric it hit me again, that wait... I should not buy this, I have no idea if I could even wear this in a month. As much as I want to feel like normal me, it hits me in weird ways. I walked passed the dresses, it made me feel sad, that I may be loosing my breasts. As I looked for swim suits I felt my life come to a halt again. I have no idea what my body will look like in a few weeks. I am not a vain person or at least never thought of myself as one. But it is strange to imagine my body without breasts.

Still as these thoughts pass in and out of my head, I am doing pretty good with focusing on the task at hand. I can not jump the gun on my treatments, surgeries or if it will metastasis. I have no idea, no one does. The goal today is to get prepare for surgery tomorrow. Get my house in order, kids all ready for the weekend events. This is what I am choosing to focus on, the big picture is too overwhelming.

It has been a good week, I am feeling the love and support from all of you! Thank you!

Today is a new day!

2009-03-24T10:26:00.000-07:00

Today is a new day... today I am Amber, wife, mother and preschool teacher... well teacher on vacation for a week until after surgery. I had a photo shoot this morning with a good friend Danielle, thank you Danielle! I really didn't want to do this at first, I have wanted to curl up and just hide out. But I remembered many weeks ago before diagnosis when I was alone in my office. I remember thinking "Why not me?" If it is me, I knew right there and then that I was supposed to be raw, honest even when I was angry or dark.

The shoot went well, I feel like I am in somewhat control... but know not really. We are all not really in control of our lives our we? None of know the hour or minute that we breath our last breath. That is the good thing about us, we can not read our future. Would we even want too?

The sun is shinning, my horses are happy, I can hear the laughter of students in the room next to me. My kids are full of life and healthy. What more can I ask for. So why not me? I am just like any other women, but I have cancer. I do not want to be defined by my cancer, I still want to be just Amber.... but if I have to sport it around for awhile, to get someone to pay attention to themselves, or to take it one next step to get that lump checked out I will be happy to sport it around.

Today enjoy the sunshine, enjoy this moment, enjoy your kids laughter. I will.... I love my life, I love all that I have accomplished. I have big plans still.

The Dark Cloud Is Lifting

2009-03-23T18:23:00.000-07:00

I am in better spirits this evening. I saw surgeon number 2 today for a second opinion. Dr. Bodai, is a pretty well known breast surgeon specializing in breast cancer. He was great. Very straight forward and honest. I was told that from the biopsy my DCIS is a high grade which means very aggressive, not surprised because due to my age this is usually the case.

He also said that from my biopsy they found that I am E- which is estrogen negative. The drug that usually follows radiation is tamoxifen, this helps to hold off hormone induced cancer. However he said that this would not work for me.

I am moving forward with the lumpectomy on Friday with a sentinel lymph node biopsy. I am hearing that the dye that is injected in me, will hurt like no other. Not sure if I am happy to know this or not.

Dr. Bodai was very clear today that the biopsy I had was of a very small area. There could be invasive still, in another area or around this particular tumor. He mentioned if it is invasiave then chemo would be neccesary for sure due to my age. They are already wanting to move forward with a very aggresive treatment. High grade DCIS comes back many times in a very invasive form, usually after a year or two.

So this is what I learned today, open and real answers. There was no promises made and only honest answers. I appreciated that so much.

I am leaving the darkness that sometimes this cancer can bring me too. I do not want to wallow in this, I have four beautiful kids, a great husband and a wonderful job! The sun is out, and I want to enjoy my life. I undersand that all of the emotions I am feelign are only normal. I just don't want to allow this "beast" to suck me in.

Tomorrow is a new day, tomorrow I will reclaim my living in the moment. This is the hardest test for me, to really live what I have been learning over the year. My new phylosophy in life is really testing me. To be completly happy I have to be here, in this moment, enjoying this very minute I am granted.

Tomorrow I will wake up refreshed, I will be Amber again... not this girl scared to death of the cells inside of me.

Tonight however I am tired and will go to bed early, to start anew in the morning!

I can't stop myself

2009-03-22T15:42:00.000-07:00

I am on research overload, but can't seem to stop myself. I have had a strong feeling that I may have cancer since January. At that time I found a wonderful site, a site dedicated specifically to women under 40 facing breast cancer. I was immediately drawn to this group.http://www.youngsurvival.org I could not get enough, even in January before I even knew for sure I had cancer. I would read the bio's of all the different women, read their symptoms, how it was found etc. There were several polls on this site one which included did your cancer hurt. Most doctors will tell you that cancer does not hurt, on this site however most women had pain relating to their tumor. That was how they found it. Finding this out from this site made me more determined to find out what was going on with me. I am still being told even after meeting with my surgeon last week, that the horrible pain I have been experiencing for over a year was in fact not related to my cancer. What????

Another thing that played a vital role in my being persistent with the doctors before my diagnosis was the fact that women under the age of 40 have very dense breast, which makes it very hard to detect. Several women on this board had ultra sounds or mammograms that missed the cancer.

I was given a ultra sound at the end of January. I did not sleep all night, the fear of what I knew they would find haunted me. After the tech finished up she left me alone to go show the radiologist. I waited and waited... I remember screaming in my head" come on already I am ready to hear the news, I already know I have it. " About 10 minutes later when she came in to tell me it was normal and to follow up with my doctor, I think my mouth fell to the floor in shock. Normal??? What????

I should have felt great, good news it was normal and I am fine. But I did not feel relieved. Fast forward two weeks to a second opinion with my regular OBGYN. He looked me in the eyes and told me there was no way I had breast cancer. I only saw him last May and he checked me over and there was no lumps. I had a negative ultra sound and I was 31 with no family history. He told me this before he checked me out. I tried to tell him about a new lump I was feeling, trying to show him the area. He laid me down and barley felt me. The first Doctor who ordered my ultra sound felt me up so hard I was hurting for about four hours later. She felt something three weeks ago, enough to order a ultra sound. He finished quickly and again looked me straight in the eye and said he felt nothing, nothing at all. He said if it made me feel better to keep my apointment with the breast clinic in three months to follow up. He told me I had Fibrocystic breasts and that I will always have pain. I felt so defeated. But ok, I guess this is my life, I will always have pain even when putting on my seat belt, or hugging my kids.

Another couple of weeks passed and I could not get this pain out of my mind. It was consuming me, I was always researching, I found myself so attached to all of these strangers on this board. Their stories there lives just touched me. I felt like I was apart of the club in a weird way. The little voice never let up, the nagging feeling never left me.

Forrest was sick of hearing about my pain and told me to go back to the doctor. Another friend told me of a friend of hers who had breast cancer at 34. Ok, I will head back. I learned form the boards that a biopsy was the sure way of knowing if you had cancer or not. So I was ready to push for a biopsy.

Back to the breast clinic again, this time with a third doctor. That was March 10th. After an exam, he looked me straight into the eyes and told me this was definatly not breast cancer. He felt the area, but it was only fibrocystic breasts. He said that I was going to have to live with the pain, be checked in another three months. I could not hear this again, so I asked him to have a mammogram done, to get a baseline of the tissue. He told me that was not going to work since I was so young. So he said he would offer a biopsy instead, right there and then if this would ease my mind. I said yes, right now. He gave me two choices, a aspirated biopsy or a core biopsy. The core was more detailed and would get a few samples. Well of course I wanted the core biopsy.

He left and his assistant came in to prep the area. I was finally feeling releived, I will know for sure in a few days. It was very uncomftorable, but I was not about to complain. It took about 10 minutes from start to finish. After he was done, he looked me in the eyes again and said, for sure not cancer. He proceeded to hand me a breast cancer brochure telling me it was the law that he had to give me this after a biopsy. But it would not be needed. The results would come in 72 hours.

I left an for the first time since January felt calm. So the call came out of the blue, the next day March 11th. I was expecting to hear the results on Friday not Wed. The doctor had left a message, a happy message or trying to be positive in his voice. I called back and he asked me if I had a minute. Oh no.. I thought I was ready for this news, but I could feel my hands begin to slowly shake. "The biopsy was positive for cancer cells" he said very straight forward. "You are joking right?" I say as I continue to shake. "I had a feeling this was going to be the results but I still feel shocked" I say with my body beginning to shake. "He told me I would need to see a surgeon and a oncologist and told me I had DCIS, that is what I remember.

Today I am writing because I feel angry. I came across a couple of women who were diagnosed with DCIS and told it was stage 0 like me. It came back like often times DCIS does, when it did it metasitised to the liver and brain. They went from stage 0-4 like that. I began to cry when I went to a blog and the obituary was there. How could this be? I am being told that my cancer is non-invasive and so easy to cure. That is what these women were told too.

Today I am angry that I have to constantly fight for me! I continue to research because I am dealing with my life and my families lives. These women had a family and friends. I am learning now, about my disease, I am learning that it comes back in young women, I am learning that it often comes back invasive. I am also learning that with young women doctors must think outside of the box and treat more biologically then statistically.

I am angry today, because I did not want this. I have four beautiful kids and I want to be with them until I am old and gray... well maybe not gray but old and hip and highlighted! I am ready to meet with my second opinion tomorrow, carrying with me new facts and a new research study on DCIS, misdiagnosed when in fact it was invasive cancer.

I have been told by three different doctors to my face, looked at directly into my eyes that it was impossible for me to have breast cancer. So I am ready to look them into their face and say you are not God.. .you have no idea what my cancer can or can not do!

I not only want to rid myself of my current DCIS, but I don't want a reccurance, but what I am learning in there is not way to know for sure if it will come back again. My odds now have doubled from the normal person that I will have BC yet again.

I am pushing for more than what the standard required for DCIS.. .because if I did not push for more with my doctors I would still have undiagnosed cancer in me. Who is to say they have not missed invasive already. I used to trust my doctors, let them treat me and no questions asked. I am no longer that way. I am my own advacate, and you shoud be as well.

I am angry today... angry that I have cancer, angry that an initial diagnosis of DCIS killed other women, because the invasive part was missed.

Surgery date set

2009-03-18T19:47:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to quickly update you all... I will be going in for a lumpectomy at the end of next week. At this point it is only DCSI, which is described as contained cancer. To know for sure the whole scope of things they will open me up next week, then have a clear cut pathology report to go by in regards to treatment and the next steps. I am good with this, when asked about a mastectomy next week, though I thought I was ready I am really not. This will give me better answers. I can then move forward with a bilateral mastectomy if I want down the road. At this time, lumpectomy then I will meet with my oncologist (cancer doctor) to get a treatment plan in place after the findings. If it is only DCSI, with clean margins after surgery, radiation will be followed and then I will be put on a drug called Tomoxifin. So bottom line at this point is surgery, the surgeon needs to see what exactly is going on.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I am feeling great actually, of course waves of emotion hits me at times, but overall I still feel like me! Will keep you posted, but in waiting mode again until after surgery.

Day #4 Reality Sinking In....

2009-03-14T10:21:00.000-07:00

I think the reality of what is to come is finally sinking in. I had a very sleepless night last night. When I did fall asleep I remember dreaming of my results. I was stage 2 and they were going to start me on a medicine that started with a Herceptin. Not sure really what that is exactly since it was only a dream. But maybe possibly I am on research overdrive!

Forrest and I both are realizing the seriousness of this diagnosis. I feel fine, look fine then it hits me out of the blue that I have cancer. It is really a strange journey. So many emotions. I decided the moment I heard the words, the biopsy was positive that I would be an open book. As an open book you must know that I am terrified. I have tried to keep the what if's out of my mind, but at times especially when I am alone, they slowly creep in. There are so many what if's at this point.

I have only had a biopsy and a mammogram. The mammogram at this point showed a couple of areas of concern, and the tech got quiet as she was taking films of my chest wall area. The majority of my pain is near my chest. She said she thinks she saw something in that area as well.

I never thought I would want a weekend to fly by, but as I try to remember to be in this moment, I also want to fast forward to Wednesday at 3 p.m. when I meet with my surgeon. I want my surgery to be scheduled, I want to know the results of my MRI, and I want the surgeon to cut me open as soon as possible, test my lymph nodes and give me clear answers.

I keep reminding myself to take a deep breath. I am again so thankful to all of you who have shared your support, it really means so much to not only me but to my family. We have told our kids, they are young and really have no clue the magnitude of the news, thankfully. Our lives are on hold for a few days until we get a better picture but I am so thankful I have my kids to keep my head out of the fog!

I am holding off on any more research, I think I have a good perspective on what may or may not happen. I am also preparing myself for possible radiation as well as possible chemo. I just don't want to be too shocked by anything.

I will leave this post with a quote I came across a couple of months ago,

"Breath, let go, and remind yourself that this very moment is the only one
you know
you have for sure."

2009-03-12T15:29:00.000-07:00

Day 2 of hearing the news "Positive" for cancer

2009-03-12T13:13:00.000-07:00

I am a writer at heart, as a young girl I wrote in many, many journals. Recording my days, my dreams and aspirations. It is my joy and therapy, letting the words flow through my fingers makes my heart release the trials or accomplishments my life is experiencing.

So today I sit in my quiet house, yes sometimes it is quiet even with four kids. I begin a new journey, a new path I never expected to be on. But yet for the past year there has been a quiet presence, in the back of my head. That presence was only a hunch only a guess, for the past 15 months I only wondered if I had cancer.

Today as shocking as it may be, to say I have breast cancer, I also feel a huge relief. It was at times a tiring struggle dealing with my doctors, making appointment after appointment telling them something was not right. So many times I even questioned myself thinking I was going crazy. Thankfully the pain I was experiencing in my right breast never let up, in fact it only got worse as the months passed. This was how I found it, the pain, the pain that many doctors told me was a sign of not having cancer, ultimately may have saved my life.

I am the wife of Forrest, a man I fell in love with 13 years ago in Kenya, Africa. We married a year later, and today have four kids. I got married at 19, yes crazy but if you know me, when I have my mind made up there is nothing much that you can do to change it. We have three biological boys, Spencer who is 8, Wyatte who is almost 7 and Colbey who is 4.5 years old. Our beautiful daughter is our Guatemalan princess who we adopted in the summer of 2006!

My life is also full of busyness but I would have it no other way, wife, mother, preschool owner, volunteer and as of last September a full time psychology major.

So how did I end up with breast cancer? Good question, when you figure it out please let me know. I am starting this blog, to look within myself and to show you the readers that I am you, I am no different and yet I have cancer. I am choosing to be an open book, one because this is how I heal, but also because I want you to know that you must know your body.

It has not even been 24 hours until I got the call that my biopsy, that I pushed for was positive. In that time, my mouth can't stop talking about it. My relief is overwhelming, but slowly the fear is creeping up. I have had my first mammogram, and let me tell you it is not really bad if your boobs are normal, if they are full of cancer it hurts pretty bad.

I have cried a few times, it comes in waves. Most of the time I feel pretty confident it is all going to be fine. But when I think of surgery and loosing my breasts I get emotional. I am not that attached or so I thought. But they did nurse my boys, they have been with me my whole life.

We will need to tell our kids, possibly today. They are wonderful kids and am so blessed to have such funny and outgoing kids. They bring me so much joy. I am so thankful that I married so young, I had my first baby at 22.

I am so thankful...

For my husband, who loves me unconditionally, even when I fail miserably
My kids who love me and think I am the best mom on earth, even when I miss the mark many times a day
For my wonderful home, to look out my kitchen window and see the green fields and the animals roaming our pasture
for my friends who love and support me and who don't mind me talking a mile a minute about my next big plan or the embarrassing things I do.
For my extended family who has already stepped in and ready at any moment to lend a hand.
My business ventures and accomplishments, it has taught me to dream big and never stop

I am thankful for my life... I have lived it to the fullest, enjoying it all, the good and the bad. Learning from my mistakes and taking trials and turning them to positive....

For God... mind, body and soul for finding peace in my beliefs a year ago and learning how to experience God in a new and free way.

Today I am living in this moment something I have been learning to do for the past few months... in this moment I find peace....

Amber
3/11/09