Blessed beyond my dreams

My life these days are full of emotions. Some days I am so low so sad and filled with fear of my cancer returning. However most days my emotions are one of joy and gratitude for the life I am living. This is how I feel today, I am overwhelmed with joy almost to the point that I could sob from deep within my soul... but I am sitting in a public coffee shop so I am holding back to not scare the local patrons.

What a year it has been, last year at this time I was recovering from my bilateral mastectomy. I had four drain tubes coming out of my body and bandages covering my entire chest. My hair was a tangled mess and I could barley take care of myself.

Last year at this time was all the festivities of Mothers Day. With four kids this is a very special time with many activities in their classes. I am trying really hard to remember if I attended my daughters school tea for Mothers Day. But I think my mother or mother in law went in my place. I did make it to my first graders at the time, barely making it on time because I could hardly walk from the car to the classroom. I stumbled in dripping of sweat and feeling heavy with my drains coming out of my body hidden with a bigger shirt. But I made it...

Today is my daughters mothers day tea and today I will be there, feeling alive, healthy and beautiful. I feel utterly amazing and awake...awake to this world, alive with joy and grateful to be here healthy. What a difference a year makes.

I reached a milestone this past weekend, we cut the ribbon of our new school building! It has been an on going project since 2007 and on Saturday my staff and hubby and I cut the ribbon in front of 150 friends and family! I feel truly FREE!!! We did it, this huge project looks amazing.

In 2006 a small seed was planted... an idea to turn our old workshop into a little red school house. With lots of hard work, tears, stress and hours and hours of sacrifice and commitment we did it, it truly is a little red school house!

Do you have a dream? Do you have an idea a tiny seed of an idea? Do you know that the only thing holding you back is you? There is no time in this lifetime to wait on dreams, to postpone our goals. The statement, "There is no better time then the present" is absolutely true!

A few months ago in a simple conversation over lunch a small seed was planted in my heart as well as my husbands about a non profit idea. A tiny seed was planted in us... but we were and are open to ideas, we are awake to see what this world has to offer us. I am so excited and ready to see where this seed takes us... it already is growing into something pretty amazing. So today I feel FREE... free to move on to this non-profit idea ready to be servants in this world ready to take our blessings to others.

Today I am emotionally charged and vibrant. The past few months have proven to me that Source, God, the Universe has so many great things to offer. But we have to be present each day, in each moment or we may miss these opportunities given to us. I have been blown away by all that has happened since my last surgery in November. Things I never imagined. Yes many things were challenging, stressful and flat out hard but today I sit back and reap the rewards and am thrilled to see how all of this hard work unfolds and how I can be used for good and to help others.

What will I say next year at this time? Where will I be next year at this time? Yes I still fear that I may have cancer but at the same time, if that is so I will rise above and be gracious I will still be grateful for my life and all that I have accomplished. So maybe in this I am learning not to fear it anymore... what does fear accomplish? If cancer is coming back it is coming back? If it is not it is not? There truly is nothing I can do but live my life today....

"D" Day One Year Anniversay

I thought about what I would write when this day came many times over the past year. I wondered what emotions would come as I celebrate my one year anniversary of being told the life changing information that sunny March 11th day. Tomorrow is the day, the one year anniversary of "D" day.

That simple phone call changed my life, it gave me relief in some ways to know I was not going crazy that something truly was wrong. That phone call also came with a burden, a life long burden that I will forever carry with me. My safety net in this world we call life was taken away from me that day. Yes we will all die one day, in fact we are all on the road to death, to the other side each and every day. However with a cancer diagnosis, the unknowns begin to intertwine themselves in our daily lives. The unknowns of where the cancer may spread next, the unknowns of if a recurrence is lurking around the corner. That is what I hate most about my diagnosis, what I hate most about how cancer has changed me. I hate that cancer took away my safety net, my security blanket if you will... I will never truly trust my doctors and I will never truly feel at ease with my health. That is what cancer took from me this past year.

But with all of that said, here is what cancer gave to me this year....

*Cancer gave me a fresh start to become a better person
*Cancer gave me an inner strength I always hoped I had
*Cancer gave me freedom, a chance to forget about material things and learn to care about what truly matters in this life, family, friends, and our health
*Cancer gave me supporters... I had cheerleaders everywhere, in my community, friends, family and even strangers, encouraging me and letting me know I was loved.
*Cancer gave me awareness...I am aware of how devastating cancer truly is to those it is affected by.
*Cancer gave me new challenges... surgeries,pain, recovery, no breasts, reconstruction, pain, dark moments and happy moments
*Cancer gave me a new found beauty to be who I am always... scars and all
*Cancer gave me new vision, new business ventures
*Cancer stripped me of my fears, of my deepest darkest fears.. death and dying and in return it gave me an incredible peace
*Cancer gave me the missing element of my novel that I have been working on since 2007... go figure
*Cancer gave me a stronger marriage... I no longer have to ask my man if he loves me today... for I know he loves me every moment of every day... when he held my hand so lovingly, so tightly as the bandages came off.. .it was in that moment I recognized those vowels we spoke to each other on our wedding day... in sickness and in health
*Cancer gave me hope... hope in myself, to move forward even after part of me had been stripped away...
*Cancer gave me a new found love for others.. for those hurting around me.
*Cancer gave me inspiration.. to be better each day.. to reach for my goals, not tomorrow not years down the road but this very day.


Thank you all who have loved me, who have cried with me, who have allowed me to break down when I needed to and laughed when I needed a laugh. Thank you to those who fed my family when I could not, who smiled at me when I had no smile to give back.

We are all stronger than we think... sometimes we fall flat on our face, we fail, we face times in our life where we see no light at the end of the tunnel. But trust me, a day will come when there is a soft light at the end of the tunnel. A day does come that we start to pick ourselves off the ground and decide to start moving forward with our life, no matter how hard it might be.

We all have purpose in this life... we all have to go through trials to become better people, embrace the trials.. cry when you need to cry, fall down when you need to fall down... but stand up and move forward when the time comes. Embrace failures and trust yourself to become better.

In the end.. we are all human, we are all on the road to the other side. Live life each day, don't fret of what is to come...

Tomorrow I will celebrate my cancer journey... I will celebrate that I made it... that no matter what is to come I will choose to be happy, I will choose to make a difference in my life and I will choose to move forward with my goals and dreams!

My big project over the past two months!

Letting Go Of Fear Is Hard

I have not been on here in awhile. I have been swamped and honestly stressed out of my mind. My last surgery was November 30th, 2009. Two days later I was working on a state application to open my new center in the Bay Area.

So began the crazy journey of opening up a school in eight weeks. The past two months have been a whirlwind to say the least. I began to stress and let things get the best of me. When I moved forward with this new school my goal was to not let stress get to me. It is a crazy cycle really. I know or at least I think that stress may have been a huge part of my cancer in the first place, so I am always trying not to be stressed. But then I find myself stressing because I am stressed. Make sense? Not really.

Two weeks ago my body gave out on me. I was so emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausted. My mind was in a battle that my body could not win. My mind understood that this crazy time would pass. My mind understood that I was grateful for this opportunity, grateful for a job. My mind understood that I should "Let Go and Let God" but my body reacted much differently. By blogging almost a year ago, I did so to be honest with the good and the bad.

This past two weeks have been bad. My body has been so ill with worry. I let the stress of the start of the new business get to me, I overworked myself and lost 10lbs in the end. (may be good, depending on how you look at it ;)

Finally last week I shut it all off, I had to step away from being a CEO, from being a teacher. I had to shut everyone out. I was in a war with my mind, and the negative fearful side was winning.

As I shut everyone out I have been controlling my fear and each day letting go once again. I am realizing that I am in the limbo stage of this cancer thing. My treatments are officially over, I am cancer free. But inside I live with the ever growing fear that my doctors missed something. I live with a constant nagging that cancer is still in me and that I am still dying. That is honesty, that is my mind struggle for the past two months. Maybe expanding my business right now was not the best idea, or maybe it was. It was and is a success so I have to stand firm that it was meant to be.

What is not meant to be is me living in constant fear. Fear that I am stressed, fear that my stress is growing new cancer cells. Fear that I will fail in my business. Fear can kill a person. Fear can eat a person alive. This is how I have been feeling, like my body is eating itself alive.

So I shut my staff out, I have left people hanging. I have been trying to swim, and have been sinking further and further under the water. By shutting people out I am beginning to swim again, beginning to find my way out of the water.

I have not dealt with my cancer fully. I have not dealt yet with being done with treatment and wondering what now. My one year diagnosis day is sneaking up, so cancer has consumed my mind. I will be honest and admit I need help... I need the tools to let cancer go. I no longer want to be identified as cancer. I no longer want to live in constant fear that the doctors missed something and that I am actually dying. I want to live my life, I want to adopt if that is in the cards, I want to finish my novel and I want to open another school (down the road, no way in hell right now ;)

I want to not feel sick every time I eat, or nervous when the phone rings thinking it is bad news. I want to live in the moment once again, I want to not only know how grateful I am but believe it too.

After spending the day in my sweats, not answering any phones or emails I can feel myself coming out of the darkness that overtook me for the past few weeks. I cleaned my house, organized pantries and started to claim my house once again. Today I realized that I had not really cleaned or organized my house since before my diagnosis. This past year has been just crazy to say the least.

This week I am looking forward to relaxing, thinking, meditating, talking and allowing myself to cry when I need too, laugh when I need too and just be me... Amber.

Sorry to those I have shut out, but in realty I know that to be my best I need time away. Leaving a cancer diagnosis behind is a hard thing, walking forward after treatment may be harder than the diagnosis itself. Learning to trust your medical team is difficult especially after they missed your symptoms for so long in the first place.

Moving forward is hard, two steps forward and one step backwards. Overall I have done well, or at least I think. So today I admit I took one very GIANT step backwards on the past few weeks. But I am looking forward to taking two steps forward in the next week.

2010 In Motion

Wow, we are only two weeks into the new year and so much is happening!!! First off great news about my car. I was just told yesterday that they are going to fix it.. .all 17k worth of damage! That is awesome news as that car was just perfect for me and the kids!

Where has two weeks gone? Let's see, this year is well under way with many exciting things upon us. Last year at this time, I just began my journey as an advocate for myself in the medical world. I was beginning my search for why I had a hard mass and a lump in my right breast. I began last year thinking " I think something is not right " wondering if it was possible if I had cancer.

This new year begins with watching my dream school almost reach completion. With contractors, my husband, father in law, brother in law all working on the building it is getting closer to being finished every day. I picked out paint colors and cabinets today. I know I am reaching the end when now it is time to begin to decorate the inside.

This year has also set in motion a surprise project, opening a new center in the bay area. That center is already well on its way to full capacity, at we are not even open yet! There is staffing, training, students to register and shopping of all new equipment.

Already this year I am SWAMPED!!! I am in full force opening two large centers all within weeks apart. Each day I say "Thank You" I am so grateful to be in this position, I am healthy, I am energetic and I am ready to continue to be a risk taker.

I am also humbled... as stressful and overwhelming these projects are I am truly humbled to be right in the center of them. I feel honored to be doing all that I am doing. In the midst of each day, I acknowledge that I do not know what tomorrow holds, so today I am keeping busy and making my dreams come true.

I have also been taking the time to work on my novel. It has been a very emotional experience, to bring it to life in my head. My story has so much more meaning now, then when I started in 2007. It has also been amazing to sit at my computer and have it flow right out of me. I think I am getting close to give someone a sneak peek at a few chapters. At this time I have no idea what I will do with it when I am done. Possibly get it published or possibly it may just be for me, a finished book... one of my many dreams accomplished.

This is already an overwhelming year... not like last year an overwhelming year of unknown outcomes, surgeries, sadness and grief. This year is already beginning with an overwhelming sense of accomplishment, for what already has been, for what is to come and new goals already set in motion.

Some may think I am crazy with all that I want to do... but if I am honest with you and with myself then I have to admit that in my head I hear the clock... it ticks softly, but constantly. This clock ticks quietly but is always present in my daily chores. The clock represents cancer.... it represents my time here on earth, it represents the unknown with my health.

So as I hear the clock quietly ticking on... constantly I move even quicker to accomplish all of my dreams, goals for my life... before it is too late.

Quite possibly we should all live this way really... all of us have a quiet ticking of a clock in our heads. For all of us, it will go off one day, and our time will be up. What have you done to show for your life? Are you happy with your outcomes so far? Are you dreaming for more?

Let me share my motto with you this year... I randomly found this saying online one night as I was board and surfing the web. The next morning I shared this awesome saying with a dear friend... only a few minutes later this friend got a sneak preview of a gift I was given by another friend... guess what... the gift was a computer bag with this very exact saying I had found the night before... this is my life... this is how I live, I challenge you to live this way as well.... you may be pleasantly surprised to find yourself doing the impossible!

"Dream it, Wish It, Do It"

A New Journey In 2010!!

Happy New Year to all! I am not sure if there was any other year that I looked forward to, then this one. I was more than happy to say goodbye to 2009! I will share one last thing about 2009 and then I will move on, to better and brighter things! Just 4 days away from the new year, the kids and I got into an accident!!! It was partly my fault..well really mostly my fault :( I did not realize what had happened... I was so shocked. As the light turned green and I went, the car in front of me slammed on his breaks out of no where and came to a stop... it was so fast just seconds really and all I remember is feeling the impact and crashing into the air bags. Sadly to end the year off... my car will most likely be totaled :( but all in all... my kids and I were all fine!!!

Ok.. enough of that goodbye 2009!!!

I began this blog to document my journey in cancer world. Now that I am pronounced "Cured" don't you love that??? I didn't know there was a cure for cancer ;) I am in search of new ways to use this blog. I begin this year wide open and ready for new possibilities!

I realized last week, that for the first time in a VERY long time I was no longer in pain. Before my diagnosis, well before maybe a year and a half before I was in pain every day. I had no idea it was because I had one large mass and two tumors in my breast, I just knew I was in pain.

Then came the surgeries and the expansion... and yikes more pain. But today as I was finishing up my yoga, I realized again how grateful I am to no longer be in pain every day.

This is the year of new beginnings... I welcome 2010 with wide open arms and will continue to learn to live in the moment.

Already there is so many wonderful things happening... my business is flourishing! I am opening a new center in the Bay Area on February 1st. Creating more jobs in the troublesome economy. My dream schoolhouse in Sacramento, will be finished in April, and again creating more jobs!

Then there is new goals that I am setting, new dreams that I am allowing myself to dream! I am hoping to not stop at the two schools but to open two more within the next two years!

This is the year of action... this is the year of payoff. For the past two years my husband and I have been working so hard on our future, making our dreams come true. I am reaching my hand out and can practically touch these dreams.. because they are almost alive and well and finally here!

2010 will be a year of completion of goals... first the new school in Loomis, this was a goal over two years ago. It will be completed in a matter of months.

Next is my novel... it began in 2007... this is the year I will take my characters all the way, from A-Z...

This is the year, that I will take on less of my company and more of my kids! I will be available more.. no more surgeries and no more juggling so many balls in the air!

This is going to be a wonderful year! I am saying these things aloud because I believe if you speak it, it will be!

Dream big this year... this may be my new journey, to help you find your dreams and accomplish them.

Do you have dreams or goals that you are putting off for a better time? You are too busy with work or kids? What are you waiting for???

I was reminded yet again that we never know what tomorrow holds... I did not plan to crash my car last week and have it totaled... but life happens!

Life is not a dress rehearsal.. so we need to live as though it is our final performance each day.

Friends thank you for following my blog, thank you for the support through 2009! This is my year to support you.. to encourage you to be who you truly want to be!

The sky truly is the limit!!!!

2009 in Review

I thought I better sit down for a minute and clear my head. Today I woke with so many emotions. First I am still surprised that today truly is Christmas morning. Where does the time go? This past year has been a remarkable year for me. A year I never expected, possibly guessed from time to time but never fully imagined would ever happen. This past year, I found myself in dark places in my head, I found myself facing my deepest fears and coming to peace with those fears. This past year I learned how to rely on others to help me in my weakest moments. 2009, taught me to let go of my past, to stop looking back on regrets but to only look forward to my future. This past year I was diagnosed with Cancer. "The biopsy was positive for cancer" Those words alone are any persons worst fears. It is the unknown that comes with a cancer diagnosis that brings fear to anyone. This past year I have become an expert on Breast cancer. Now a year ago today, I was only pondering the thoughts "I wonder if I have cancer?" those thoughts would come and go many times throughout 2008. It was not until last Christmas, a year ago that I knew I needed some answers. I also came to the realization that if cancer was all over my body I would blame myself for not taking care of myself, by not being my own advocate. So a year ago I decided to keep pursing doctor apts, until I knew for sure... what was truly wrong with me.It was not until March when I finally knew for sure. When I finally got told, I was scared of course, but at the same time I felt so relieved to finally know what was wrong. This past year has taught me many things... I see 2008 as a year of preparation for 2009. Little did I know that things I was learning, where I was heading spiritually was all in preparation for 2009. This past year was, painful, terrifying, dark, hopeful, and amazing all in one. This year I learned how to let go... I let go of my life as I knew it... the old Amber... faded somewhere along the way, and a new after cancer Amber began to blossom. I am so grateful for this past year, I am grateful for the pain, for the darkest moments laying in my bed alone facing my worst fears, I am grateful for family and friends who have supported not only me but my entire family. I am grateful for it all, because in it all I have found peace, love and harmony. I have learned to be still and really focus on being in the moment. As we close out 2009, my life, my families life is so hopeful! There is so much to be thankful for, this past year as taught us all so much. I am so thankful for what is to come, 2010 will be an extraordinary year, I can feel it and I believe it. I have learned that speaking aloud what you want in your life is a powerful and very true concept! So I say it aloud... 2010 will be amazing, blessings will fall down all around us, dreams will become reality and in them new dreams will form. I am alive, I am healthy and I am blessed beyond words! I no longer look backwards, but only forward because I plan to only move forward each day.What do you want out of 2010??? "Dream it, Wish it, Do it"This has been the year that has changed me to the core, it has enhanced my love for life and it has created a deep desire to do it all.... to dream big, to make them come true and live in this moment!