Speaking My Mind....

Yesterday I was in the car for a few hours. When I am in the car for a long period of time, I usually get lost in thought. I take a look at my behavior, things of the week and how I played a role in the world around me.

In my thoughts and evaluations of myself I had a self realization about my found voice. I have noticed that my thoughts quickly escape my brain and flow through my voice faster than ever before. I was never quite the person to speak an opinion that may be controversial to a crowd that may not want to hear it. But over the past week two instances come to mind.

As I drove yesterday I asked myself was it the cancer that has made me bolder, or am I a downer more now, or am I judging others so quickly. Maybe having cancer has changed some of my perspectives, maybe I do see the glass not so full sometimes because I have become more of a realist, and maybe I do judge others and their actions harsher now.

So yesterday I asked myself why am I speaking my mind more freely, and is this ok or am I judging others too quickly.

Here is what I came up with...

Cancer happened, cancer has changed some of my perspectives. I do not take anything for granted. I am bolder now, because I want my voice to be heard. I have experienced many spiritual and amazing things over the year. I am no longer stuck in the box of my past, the thinking I once had and the destination I thought I was headed. I may be a downer a bit more, however I do want to change this realization... I am a realist like never before. On one hand I am a dreamer, or possibly dreamed more and bigger before cancer. Now I need to find a happy medium. Lastly I have been harsh possibly, and judging others actions. In this I need to let go, I do not want to judge others and be on the throne of righteousness, that for all of us is so easy to hop on.

So I am searching for my voice, I want to be heard and I feel liberated by speaking my mind. However, I also know that people believe what they want to believe, do what they want to do, put others at risk at times, and think in their small bubble. This will always be... cancer will never change these things.

So as I find my new voice, I am also looking for hope in my voice, and less judging of others. I had cancer, I may get cancer again, I am changed forever. These things are true, these are who I am now. I see the world differently and it is ok, just as it is ok for others to see the world how they see it.

Will I continue to speak my mind... HELL yes! There is lessons in all of us, and if we remain quiet how will we learn anything.


p.s.

On this drive I also decided to surprise my kids by taking them Disneyland for two days. They have no idea, I booked a hotel and have their bags packed. Tomorrow I pack them up and will let them know our destination.... well sometime before we get there! On my drive I also realized that now is the time... now is the time to say I love you, now is the time to hug your child, now is the time to surprise your kids when they are off of school... because now is all we have!

Reflective Moods

For the past two weeks I have been in a reflective mood. Not sure why, not sure where it will take me but what I do know is that cancer is on my brain.

I look back at the past three months and think where in the hell did that time go? I am realizing that the way I lived my life over the past three months is the way I lived my life before cancer.

I was overbooking myself, putting on huge events, volunteering, working, cleaning and well, basically running non-stop. I am so grateful that I am well enough to overbook myself, can put on huge events,work,clean,volunteer etc, but do I want these things?

I run a business, and this business or this baby of mine is expanding. So many wonderful things are happening with my school. I am truly excited but I have also realized that nothing is more important to me then my health. If I don't have my health, then I cannot be a good wife or mom.

So this week I have been reflecting and remembering cancer. I have examined my scars this week extra long, I am felt my scabbed up drain holes, looked a little longer at my lymph biopsy site scar. I have told myself to slow down, to be in the moment and to not let my body feel any stress.

I will never know why I got cancer, I may guess at times as to what I think it was that did not allow my immune system to fight off the cancer cells. I keep going back to stress. I will never know for sure, but stress is my gut guess.

So I may not know my future, I may not know if I will get this damn disease again. I do not know if a year from now I may be on chemo, we do not know our future. All I know is that I must slow down, I must "Breathe, Let Go. and remind myself that this very moment is all that I am promised."

Will I ever not fear that the cancer will be back? Will I ever shake this deep inner feeling that it will be back? Will I ever be able to not hear a quiet ticking of a clock in the back of my mind constantly reminding me of time ticking away. Will I ever stop second guessing myself of choices and dreams I may have, wondering if they are even possible because I wonder if I will even be around in five years? These are my reflections every day... these are my secret and honest thoughts.

Today I reflect and decide to change a bit of my future, to change some plans and to allow myself to take less responsibilities. Today I am letting go of some of my duties, to be a better women, to be a better wife and mother. Today I am letting go of any stress that I feel, because when I feel the stress come on, it as though I feel the cancer cells appearing in my body.

Reflecting is a wonderful thing.... what have you reflected on today?

Exchange Surgery Date Set

Today was a good day, I finally booked my next surgery. You would be surprised to know how joyful and giddy I was to get a date scheduled for my new foobs! November 30th I will once again head into the operating room. This time I hope for a speedy recovery and some squishy girls rather than these rocks I have now.

So I was M.I.A. for three months, as the dust has settled and life slows down again I am back checking on my fellow blogger I have met over the past few months. One in particular was on my heart last night as I was writing.

I found this mom by accident, I am not sure how I came across her blog but I happened to find her as she just signed up for hospice care. Hospice care, the beginning of the end. I was immediately drawn into her world, looking at her beautiful photos of all of her kids, looking how beautiful she was before the cancer got her. Then finding her more beautiful after reading her journey.

I commented on her blog, telling her simply that I find her brave and amazing. She was facing death head on and finding peace in her soon to be departure. We not only had a bond of breast cancer but we both are called Amber.

A few days later I saw that she had posted on my own blog. Her words moved me to tears, because I thought why would she waist any precious moments writing me. She was near the end, and she chose to take a minute to encourage me? I am the lucky one, I am still here, I am as of this moment cancer free. The tears began to flow, and Amber has always been in the back of my mind.

I realized on my "me-cation" that I needed to take a break from the cancer world that I had created or that in reality found me. I needed this break to heal and to learn how to stop looking behind me but to look forward with anticipation of greatness.

However over the past two weeks I feel my cancer world calling me back. Not to dwell on the sadness, and it is sad overwhelmingly sad. But to support you all going through this terrible cancer now. To never forget what cancer is and what cancer does. Your stories, your blogs touch my life. I could never just walk away from all that I have learned, but all of your experiences.

I have sort of a uniform now, I wear two bracelet's daily. One is a metal bracelet with an inscription written on it. "What cancer cannot do, -steal eternal life-kill friendship-conquer the spirit-suppress memories-cripple love-corrode faith-destroy peace-invade the soul-silence courage."

Another is a soft pink colored bracelet. These two items remind me daily of my journey and of others journeys.

So tonight, I am thinking of you Amber.... I was so sad to find you had past a couple of weeks ago. You have found peace, now I will think of your kids and your husband may they find peace and comfort knowing that you are no longer in pain. But I am so sorry.... I am so, so sorry to find you are gone.... thank you for reaching out to me and encouraging me! Tonight I remember you...

Wow it has been a VERY long time!!!

I am realizing it has been almost three months since I posted. Wow where did the time go???? I think what happened was that I pushed the "resume" button on my life and well... you get the picture.

I wanted to give a quick update, well if you have followed my writing it may not be too quick. This past week I officially finished my fills!! I got my last fill and am feeling pretty good. I believe I am expanding to an official size "C" cup, however I no longer own a bra so I couldn't tell you for sure! One of the perks if I have to say there are any perks to a double mastectomy and reconstruction is that you no longer need a bra!

I went back to work in August, as a director and a teacher once again. Let me tell you it felt good to get my classroom ready and to be in a classroom every day. I am also on full time mom duty again, volunteering in their classes and making lunches every day.

I also went back to school in August as well, so I am a college student once again. I have to say this has been the hardest for me. Before cancer I set a goal to become a psychologist but after cancer I lost my drive to be in school completely. But I am still going... maybe one day I will find my drive for school again, but if not I have taken the pressure off of getting straight A's. I no longer have a desire to spend 20 hours on school work each week when I can spend that time with my family. So I am in school, passing each course.... and taking the pressure off feels great.

In September the family and I went to Disneyland the happiest place on earth. We had a fantastic time and a much needed family vacation.

I have also noticed my house is no longer perfect all of the time. A new subtle change cancer has brought me. I realized before cancer I was always cleaning the house... we have a pretty big house so if you didn't clean a little each day... well it became bad all of the time. While laying in bed after surgery I realized I was hearing my kids tell me "Mom you are always cleaning" So I made myself a promise that my life didn't have to be perfect anymore. So I am proud to say that my house is no longer perfect... I lay on the couch more snuggled with a book with my kids, or playing games at night with my oldest.

I have always instilled date nights with my boys. Once a month they each get a night with me, we go for a special treat and spend some fun time together. This has been a wonderful time, and I look forward to this time until they leave my house when they are adults!!!

Some big news is that Smart Start my school is finished on the outside. It has been so exciting to see my drawing come to life! We are enrolling already for next year, my staff is hired and I am beginning to dream again looking already to next year!

It has been 3 months since my trip to Carmel and I have to say that was a life changing trip. I really did it... I really left my "shit' behind.... and I feel like a new women. I live for today and am looking ahead daily no more looking behind my shoulders.

Well I think that is it for now... I am still here but I have officially pressed "resume" I am a wife, mother of four kids, director, teacher, student, volunteer and friend so my life is full!!!

I am so grateful for each day, each day is a gift and I don't take this lightly. I am grateful for my family and my friends.

My "Me-Cation" Journey

It was a needed vacation, a solo trip that I felt I needed to do. I packed a small bag, booked a small room at a bed and breakfast and got in my car and head to the ocean. The ocean is a powerful place, the air is salty and fresh, the sounds of the waves are a quiet hushing sound.

This was the trip I needed, this would end up being a quiet trip. I was alone, so I did not talk much.

As soon as I dropped my kids off at the grandparents I felt the strong emotions overcome me. Like the ocean itself, powerfully strong, wet and cold were my tears as they spilled onto my face. I couldn't help it...the weeks leading up to my departure I was angry, sad and downright bitter for what had happened. I also felt an overwhelming guilt for not having more "Cancer" for not having to go through chemo or radiation.

So this trip was perfect. It has been months since I have written..so let me catch you up.

I left early in the morning, and I believe I cried the entire three hour drive. The emotions were so raw and I wasn't even sure where they were coming from. But I realized that the destination I was heading too was not only going to be a time of rest, (mom of 4 kids always needs rest ) but a time of spiritual and emotional healing. The tears were preparing me for what was to come in those few days away.

I was ready, I was ready to not believe that Karma had it out for me because of past mistakes. I was ready to stop looking backwards to certain pains and challenges over the years. I was determined to come head to head with my fears, anger and frustrations. So I was driving to Carmel, by myself to come face to face with all of my baggage.

As I drove through downtown, my windows were open, and the air spelled wonderfully salty. I checked in and through my stuff down on the bed and headed out to explore the beach.

I was pleasantly surprised that the beach was in fact around the corner from my hotel. You never know, marketing can always spin things a certain way.

I grabbed a hat and my camera and began to walk... not knowing where exactly my walk would take me both physically and mentally. There it was the deep blue ocean, the waves crashing in. My hair began to frizz a bit from the misty air, but hair I was lucky to have.

I quickly took my flip flops off and rolled my jeans up to my knees... there was no way I was not getting into the ocean. So thus began my journey on my "Me-Cation" as I put my bare foot into the icy cold ocean so began the journey to healing.

I was thankful for my hat and my sunglasses because I spent most of my time walking and crying. At one point I stood in the wet sand, I would mess up the sand with my toes, then stood still gripping the sand with my toes as the water washed up over my feet. When the water went back into the ocean my messed up sand was smooth and perfect once again.

Soon I began to write messages to myself in the sand. "Letting Go" "Joy" "No More Cancer" "Dream Big" this was such a spiritual moment for me... I would quickly write the message and then grip the sand as the water would erase each message.

Just like our life, the beauty of life is that we can wash away the old and start anew. I let it go that day, I realized I had to let go of some baggage I had been carrying for years... I had to let it go to gain peace and most importantly for my health, emotionally and mentally. My body could no longer take the beatings I would give it with guilt.

Guilt and stress already took my breasts... stress is something I believe plays a vital role in cancer. This "Me-Cation" gave me an important gift, it gave me a new start and a place to dump my baggage once and for all. So on that beach, I left a lot of my "shit" pardon my french.

I decided to not look back anymore, I decided to not blame Karma anymore but to only look forward. We can not change our pasts no matter how badly we want to. We can only create our future.

I spent one whole day writing, working on my book and another day scrapping. But most importantly I let go of the past and vowed to myself to stop looking backwards and only look forward!

I also allowed myself to start dreaming again... I realized cancer stole my dreams and my ability to look forward years down the road. As much as it is good to be in the moment it is also feeling great again to dream past today, to set goals again.

My "Me-Cation" Carmel by the Sea Aug. 2009

Is Karma True?

We have all heard "Karma's a bitch" at some point in our lives. This line has been in my mind for days or in reality a few weeks. As I heal from surgery still, deal with breathing issues and just a constant feeling of uncomfortableness. I think back over my life and wonder quietly, was this deserved. I am no perfect girl, bar far. I have made some huge mistakes, created havoc at times and caused pain not only to myself but others as well. Some of you may not believe in Karma, you may not believe in Buddha or his philosophy at all. Some of you may believe in Jesus or God, Jesus said "Do unto others as you would have done to you." this falls along the lines similar to Buddha's belief in Karma or at least what we may think of Karma. What I have believed about Karma, is what we do, our actions cause an effect. Bad actions cause bad effects.

When you get a serious illness, or face death head on, you challenge your thinking at times all of your thinking. You may look at your past and see your mistakes and wonder if you caused what is happening now. I know I have been dealing with this daily. I am asking questions, I question my previous actions and wonder if I brought this on, did I bring on cancer?

Then I did some more research on Karma, Karma is misinterpreted so I am finding. Karma is about intentions. Do we intentionally do bad things, or do we try and be a good person who makes mistakes. Sin is what Jesus says our mistakes are, we all sin and fall short of the glory of God. Then comes forgiveness and grace. This is the point I need to get too, I need to stop looking in the past, at mistakes and wondering if I am being punished or being taught a lesson. One can eat a soul up with guilt.

Karma can go both ways, you can bring good forth into this world. I am a good person, who makes mistakes yes but overall a good person. Whether or not Karma is true I am letting it go, I can no longer wonder if I am paying for my sins....

I am moving forward, I am choosing to live a full life, I may be in some pain most days but it is OK, I would rather be uncomfortable and here in my families life then not here at all. Cancer has given me a gift, I question everything and it is empowering. We all need to step back and question life... question ourselves and challenge ourselves to live a better fuller life. I am asking the question is Karma true...maybe it is or maybe it is not, either way I am realizing I can no longer hold onto the past by looking backwards. My life begins today, this moment I am creating my destiny...